


The Serenity Prayer

by TwistedRocketPower



Series: The Serenity Prayer [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Religion, Religious Content, Romance, Self-Harm, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-03 01:40:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11521860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedRocketPower/pseuds/TwistedRocketPower
Summary: Daniel Howell is a Christian vlogger, dedicated to telling the world about God and living a life that pleases Him. When he is invited to a mainstream YouTube convention, he expects it to be an opportunity to speak to a wider audience about God. What he doesn't expect is running into Phil Lester, a man capable of changing his entire world.





	1. Serenity

_“God grant me the serenity to_

_accept the things I cannot change,”_

 

Daniel Howell has a schedule for everything. From the moment he wakes up at seven o’clock, until the time he goes to bed at ten.

First, he goes to the bathroom. He uses the toilet, brushes his teeth, and washes his face. He then goes to the kitchen and fixes himself breakfast. Sometimes cereal, sometimes something more elaborate, but he always has breakfast.

After breakfast he lets himself have some relaxation for one hour. This can include watching sermons that he’s recorded throughout the week, or going onto YouTube and listening to songs by his favorite Christian artists.

He has to be dressed and ready to start vlogging by nine o’clock. He checks his notebook for what today’s vlog needs to be about, then puts on his best smile and turns his camera on.

London is fairly new to him, so he forces himself to leave the house for a couple of hours each day to learn the city. He likes taking his camera along, because it helps him feel like his subscribers are joining him on his journeys.

He often finds himself lost, but as long as he’s back home by one, everything is okay. When he gets home, he goes to the kitchen and fixes himself lunch. He puts his camera away, as this is a moment for himself.

While he eats lunch, he allows himself to play Mario Kart. But, when his alarm tells hims it’s two-thirty, it’s time to get back to work. He opens his computer and edits his vlog from the previous day, so it’s ready to be uploaded onto YouTube by five.

Once five o’clock hits and his video is public, he goes onto Twitter to let his 101,023 followers know that a new video us up and ready to be watched. He answers some questions from his fans, and a few from people who are definitely not fans. He always makes sure to be kind to everyone, saying prayers for those who curse at him and tell him off.

By six-thirty, he’s up and preparing dinner. Sometimes he orders in food, but he usually cooks. With dinner, he will either watch some TV, or YouTube videos. He usually sticks with documentaries on Netflix, but he also watches some other Christian or family vloggers on YouTube. He watches some comedy YouTubers as well, but not as much. It’s difficult to find ones who keep content clean, or at least beep curse words when they are spoken.

At eight-thirty, he gets a shower, puts on his pyjamas, and brushes his teeth. By nine o’clock, he’s back on the couch, his Bible open beside him and his devotional on his lap. His devotional helps him study the Bible, going through each and every chapter to better understand God’s Word.

When his phone alarm goes off telling him it’s ten o’clock, he closes his Bible and devotional, sits them on his coffee table, and heads to bed.

Once he’s lying down, he opens his Twitter app, tweets out his nightly Bible verse, then turns his phone off for the night. He says a prayer, then falls asleep.

The only day that’s different from the rest is Sunday. Dan doesn’t vlog on Sundays. Sundays are for going to church, and resting.

For Dan, resting involves doubling his time for devotions and preparing his journal for the next week.

It also involves preparing his teachings based off of the things he learned at church that morning.

His regular vlogs go up on his channel Monday through Thursday, but on Friday he posts a “teaching” video, making it clear that he is not a preacher, to help those who may not be able to make it to church, or to be an extra guide for those who simply need it.

Today, however, was a Tuesday. And it was currently time for Dan to vlog. Before heading out, Dan needed to set up his filming equipment in the house. He had a special announcement to share and didn’t want to be out in the middle of London as he tried to explain.

Once his camera was set up on his desk, he sat down and pressed the record button.

“Hello, Internet! It’s Daniel, and today we are starting out a little bit differently than we have been before. I have something important to announce and I didn’t want to do it as I was being knocked around in the crowded streets of London.”

Dan took a moment, clearing his throat and checking to make sure the collar on his white, long-sleeve, button up shirt was perfectly pressed. “As you all know, I recently reached over 250,000 subscribers on my YouTube channel. I am so blessed to have so many of you here, listening to the things I have to say! I also have over 100,000 Twitter followers, which is a blessing as well. Anyway, because of the success of this channel, I have been invited to a pretty major YouTube convention. It’s called ‘YOUnited,’” he said, putting finger quotes around the word. “And apparently a lot of big vloggers are going to be there. Now, this isn’t a strictly Christian convention, which is what I’m used to going to, but this is a huge opportunity to be able to talk to so many people about God and the Bible. I’m so excited to go on this journey, and I can’t wait to take you all along with me.”

He took a deep breath, knowing this would be a moment to edit out later. He just needed to pause, as this was a lot of information to give out, and he still needed to keep to his schedule.

“YOUnited is going to be held in Orlando, and it will be for four days. I don’t have things scheduled for every day, but I do have a question and answer panel planned, and I have a photo op scheduled as well. So, if you’re in that area and you’d like to come out, I’d be so excited to meet you!”

Dan cleared his throat. His heart raced a little bit at the thought of answering questions in front of a large crowd of people. He had done some smaller conventions before. They were mostly ran by fans who wanted to get Christian and family vloggers together. But this convention was going to be nearly three times the size of those. It made him more nervous than he’d like to admit.

“Well, I better head out and learn some more of this town! I just wanted to give you guys a verse before I do. Isaiah 26:9 says: My soul yearns for You in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for You. When Your judgments come upon the earth, the people of the world learn righteousness.”

Dan smiled at the camera. “May we spend each day seeking Him further. Now, let’s go and learn more of London together!”

Dan reached over and stopped recording. His smile faded after a few seconds and he took another deep breath, then he made sure he had everything he needed and left for another day of vlogging.

 

“...So, I was just standing there, touching this old woman’s butt, for probably two whole minutes before I realized what I was doing!” Phil exclaimed, staring into his camera. He was sitting on his bed, legs crossed, retelling a horrifying moment from the previous day.

“The poor woman, who had to be in her eighties, kept looking over at me on the tube, but I just smiled at her because I thought she was annoyed with how crowded it was. Turns out, she wanted me to stop groping her but she didn’t want to say it outloud.” Phil put his head in his hands, becoming embarrassed by the memory.

“When I _finally_ realized what I was doing, I jerked my hand away, but then it hit another man’s thigh, and I’m pretty sure my picture is going to be plastered all over the walls underground as a potential threat. I’ll have to take cabs for the rest of my life.”

Phil let out a sigh, then shrugged. “Oh well, it could have been worse, I suppose. I could have inappropriately touched three people in the span of five minutes, which I have done before!”

He paused, knowing he’d have a jump cut between this moment and the next. “Okay, guys, I have some other news for you. I’ll be going to a convention in Orlando, Florida, in a couple of weeks. It’s called ‘YOUnited,’” he said, his eyes widening dramatically. “It’s a pretty big convention for us YouTubers and it would be really cool to see you guys there, so make sure to go online and get your tickets for that! I think that’s all I have to tell you guys this week, but who knows what else might happen! Maybe I’ll accidentally punch someone in the boob, or I’ll fall and my lips will meet some old man’s face. Until then, goodbye!”

 

Two weeks passed and it was now the day before the convention started. Dan had gotten to Florida around six o’clock that evening, which was passed his scheduled bedtime if he were in London.

He knew he needed to get used to his new schedule that he’d be sticking to for the next few days, so he got his camera out of his bag and headed downstairs to the convention hall.

He was told that he and the other YouTubers were allowed to walk around the hotel tonight, but by tomorrow they would only be allowed in certain areas.

As he walked around, trying to find the restaurant in the hotel, he turned on his camera and started to vlog.

“So, I’m here at the hotel now, just walking around to figure out where everything is at. I’m going to have some dinner, once I find the restaurant, and then go back to my room and do my devotions.”

He couldn’t prevent himself from yawning, and doing so made him laugh. “I am so not used to being up at this time! I’m usually fast asleep by now at home, so it’s strange to be up and- Oh!”

His camera fell from his hand as he rammed into someone in front of him.

“Oh my God!” The other person exclaimed, reaching down and picking up Dan’s camera quickly. “I’m so sorry.”

“I wasn’t paying attention. It’s my fault,” Dan replied, straightening out his clothes before looking up at the person he hit into.

“No, it’s my fault. I always do this. I’m Phil by the way,” he said, awkwardly reaching out a hand for Dan to shake.

“Oh, I- I’ve seen some of your videos,” Dan said, returning the shake. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too. I’m sorry, I don’t know who you are.”

“Dan!” He replied quickly. “Daniel Howell, but you can call me Dan.”

“Are you a vlogger?” Phil asked, looking down at Dan’s camera, which he was still holding.

“Um, yeah, I- I am. I’m a Christian vlogger.”

“Oh, okay! I always think about becoming a vlogger and maybe putting it up on a separate channel, but I just don’t think I’d be able to do it. I’m more of a ‘sit on my bed and relive embarrassing moments’ person.”

Dan smiled. “Vlogging isn’t so bad though. At first it was weird, cause you’re basically just having a conversation with a camera every day, but you get used to it. Except sometimes you do become pretty oblivious and end up running straight into another person.”

Phil laughed. “I still think that was my fault! The floor distracted me!” He said, pointing down.

Dan looked down, noticing the colorful pattern for the first time.

“That is an interesting floor,” he agreed.

“It is! I can’t decide if I love it or hate it.”

“There you are!” Someone shouted behind Dan. “We’re waiting for you.”

Dan turned to see a young woman with blonde hair and a big smile making her way toward Phil.

“Sorry, I literally ran into Dan and we just started talking.”

“Phil, I swear, you’re the clumsiest person in the world.”

“I know, I know! Anyway, Dan, this is my friend Louise. Louise, this is Daniel Howell.”

Dan reached out a hand and Louise shook it. “Hello,” he greeted. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too,” she replied, her smile faltering a bit. “I don’t mean to be rude,” she said, turning her attention back to Phil, “But we need to go. Everyone else is waiting back at the room.”

“Alright. Well, it was nice meeting you, Dan.”

“You too!”

Phil began to walk off. Dan awkwardly stood there for a second, then turned around. “Phil!” He called out.

Phil turned back to him. “Yeah?”

“Um, y- you still have my camera,” Dan replied.

“Oh God!” Phil exclaimed. He walked back to Dan and handed him the camera. “I’m so sorry. I’m not always an idiot, I promise.”

Dan smiled. “Don’t worry about it, really. Have a good night.”

“You too.”

As Phil and Louise headed back to their room for a game night with some other YouTubers, she leaned in close to him. “Phil, why were you talking to him?”

“Cause I ran into him. I told you that.”

“Don’t you know who he is?”

“Dan Howell?” He replied, confused.

Louise sighed. “Phil, he makes hate videos all the time.”

“What? Him?”

“Yeah, he’s super religious. Most of his followers are just bigots. He’s not someone for you to hang out with.”

“Oh,” Phil replied, starting to feel upset. He had only spoken to Dan for a couple of minutes, but he never would have guessed he’d be like that. “I didn’t realize.”

“No matter,” she replied, waving her hand in dismissal. “You won’t have to talk to him again anyway. Let’s go have some fun!”

 

The next day was Dan’s meet and greet. He had a fairly smaller line than anyone else around, but there were still a couple of hundred fans waiting for him.

He felt nervous at first, but he quickly settled down when he realized he didn’t have time to go into full conversations with each person. They were allowed a hello, one autograph, a photo, and then they had to go so the line could keep moving.

Dan got through his line pretty fast, then he had the rest of the day to himself.

He stayed in his room mostly, editing footage from the previous day so it could be posted that night. It turns out that his and Phil’s entire conversation had also been recorded, so he had a lot of stuff to edit out.

He remained in his room until that night, when there was a party for all of the creators. He wasn’t going to go, but he had a stack of brochures that needed handing out, and he had told his viewers that this would be a good chance to witness to a new group of people.

He, however, didn’t realize just how many people would be at this party. So when he walked inside with his brochures in hand, and looked around at the hundreds of creators in the room, he found the closest table in a corner and sat down.

He watched everyone around him laughing, drinking, eating, and talking to one another.

No one really noticed him, which he was okay with. Large groups weren’t his thing, loud people weren’t his thing, and he didn’t recognize most of the people in the room so he didn’t expect them to recognize him.

After about half an hour, he opened up one of his brochures and began to read. He knew it by heart, but this was the only thing he could think of to do right now. At least until he gained enough courage to start handing them out.

“You look familiar!” Someone called out above the music.

Dan jumped slightly, his head jerking up at the familiar voice.

Phil was standing at the table, smiling down at him.

“Oh, hi!” Dan said, closing his brochure and smiling back politely. “N-Nice to see you again.”

“You too. Would you like a drink?” He asked, two drinks in his hand.

“Oh, I don’t drink. Thank you though.”

“It’s not alcohol!” Phil replied. “I checked. It’s just punch.”

Phil held out one of the cups and Dan took it. “Thank you.”

“No problem. Is anyone sitting here?” He asked, pointing down to the chair on Dan’s left.

Dan shook his head. “No.”

“Do you mind if I sit?”

“Um, no. No, I don’t mind.”

Phil sat down, setting his drink beside him. “These parties aren’t much fun to me, but I come for the free food.”

Dan took a sip of the punch then set his cup down. “I haven’t eaten yet. I just came in and sat down. There’s a lot more people than I expected.”

“Not a fan of crowds?”

Dan shook his head. “Not really.”

“Me either. I was very close to just ordering pizza or Chinese food up to my room, but Louise demanded I come here with her. Then she abandoned me.”

Dan smiled. “She seemed nice when I met her yesterday. Is she your girlfriend?”

Phil shook his head. “No, just a friend. She is nice though, except for when she abandons me. Anyway, I couldn’t help but notice yesterday that your accent sounds similar to mine. Where are you from?”

“I, um, I just moved to London a few months ago.”

“I live in London too!” Phil replied. “I have for a few years. It’s a great city.”

“Yeah, I like it. I’m still learning it, but I like what I know so far.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I still get lost.”

Dan laughed. They each took a sip of their drink, sitting silently for a moment before Phil reached over and grabbed a brochure.

“What’s this?” He asked.

“Oh, um, it- it’s nothing, really. It’s just a brochure, about God.”

“That doesn’t sound like nothing.”

Dan nervously fidgeted with his hands. “I came here to hand them out, but I got too nervous. I’ll probably just sit them somewhere before I leave.”

“I’ll take one,” Phil replied, folding it up and putting it in his pocket.

“Really?” Dan questioned.

“Yeah, it’ll give me something to do tonight.”

“Oh, well, thank you,” Dan cleared his throat. “It was made by my church,” he quickly added.

“Okay,” Phil replied with a nod. He took one last sip of his drink, then pushed his chair back. “I think I’m going to head up to my room. Are you going to be at the group chat thing tomorrow?”

“No. I have a question and answer session in Room E, but that’s it.”

“Alright. It was nice seeing you again,” Phil said, smiling as he stood up.

“Yeah, you too!”

Dan let out a deep breath as Phil walked away. He felt like he hadn’t taken a proper breath since Phil sat down.

He wiped his now sweaty hands on his pants and stood up, leaving his brochures behind and going back to his room.

 

Phil took the brochure out of his pocket as he sat down on his bed. He leaned back against the headboard and opened up the brochure.

Even at first glance, it was intense. One section was on abortion, one on premarital sex, one on homosexuality. There was a portion which asked, “How do you know you’re going to heaven?” then proceeded to tell you all the reasons you’re probably headed straight for hell.

There was a prayer for each sin. One on getting rid of impure thoughts in the mind. One for when you’ve committed a murder, which was placed directly under the abortion section. One on repenting when you’ve had “relations before marriage.”

It was all so brutal. Unbelievably brutal.

Phil couldn’t help but wonder how the Dan he talked to was the same Dan who agreed with these things.

Dan seemed so kind and shy. He didn’t match this brochure at all. He didn’t seem like the type to have so much hate in him.

He knew he shouldn’t think about it too much. Dan was just some random person he didn’t really know anyway.

But that didn’t stop him from getting his laptop and spending the rest of the evening going through Dan’s videos.

 

Before Dan’s question and answer panel, he was given a list of potential questions and asked to look over them all, marking out the ones he was uncomfortable with. He didn’t know his panel was only going to have pre-screened questions, but he was happy about it.

Dan didn’t like the unknown. He didn’t like the idea of someone just dropping a random question on him, no matter how many times he had convinced himself it would be okay.

This way, any chances at a confrontation would be avoided. Dan wasn’t good at face to face confrontation. He was fine if he was writing it down, or speaking his mind to a camera, but he never wanted to have to argue his point in person.

The room he was in wasn’t half as large as the other rooms. This one was able to fit around 500 people, compared to the other rooms which could hold a few thousand.

Dan expected this though. Christians didn’t get as many followers on YouTube, and he wasn’t blind. He knew he wasn’t close to being one of the big stars.

Still, this place was bigger than anywhere else he had been up to this point.

The entire session went smoothly. He answered questions about his favorite verses, what it meant to be a Christian vlogger, how he handles hard times.

The hour went by faster than he expected, and once it was done, he realized his first major convention was over. He’d be leaving the next day to go home and resume his normal life.

 

The next day at noon, Dan was outside waiting for his taxi to arrive. He was at an exit blocked off from the public, so he knew it would take extra time for the taxi to get through.

As he waited, he pulled out his phone to let his mother know he’d be leaving soon. Once he had texted her, he opened up his Candy Crush app and began to play.

“I didn’t know people played that anymore.”

Dan jumped, looking over to the voice beside him. Phil stood there, smiling at him.

“Oh, you scared me,” Dan said, closing out the app.

“I figured you’d be leaving today and I wanted to see you before you did.”

Dan’s heard sped up a bit. “You did?”

“Yeah. I just… I read that brochure last night,” Phil explained. He glanced around to make sure no one else was in earshot. “It didn’t really seem like you.”

“What do you mean?”

“It was just very… harsh, I guess. It didn’t match your personality.”

“I didn’t write it,” Dan replied, putting his phone back into his pocket. “My pastor did.”

“Yeah, but you distribute it.”

“It’s just explaining what the Bible already says.”

“Do you really think that people need to say a prayer every time they have an impure thought? Isn’t that just human nature?” Phil wasn’t asking to be rude, which is what surprised Dan the most. He seemed like he genuinely wanted answers to these questions.

“Um, that’s what the Bible says to do. Just because something seems to be in our nature, doesn’t make it right.”

“I was watching some of your videos last night after I read the brochure, and you’re kind of intense in some of those too, but you’re nothing like that in real life.”

“I’m better at talking online,” Dan admitted.

Phil shrugged. “You should just be yourself.”

Dan stared at him for a moment. “What do you mean?”

“Less serious.”

“I don’t follow.”

“The brochures, some of your videos, they’re very serious. You’re not though.”

“So I shouldn't edit out my extreme social anxiety and inability to walk and vlog without running into people?”

Phil laughed. “Yes! That’s exactly what you should do. You’re a Christian, but you’re not perfect, right? People would like to see that.”

“People look to me for guidance. They look to me for answers on how to live a Godly life, especially younger kids. I can’t be a mess and do that at the same time.”

“Everyone in the world is a mess, Dan.”

“I’m not allowed to be like everyone,” Dan replied, becoming defensive.

“What?” Phil asked, confused.

Just then, Dan’s taxi arrived. “Sorry, I have to go,” Dan said, grabbing his luggage. “It was nice meeting you, Phil.”

“I’d like to chat sometime,” Phil said, stepping closer to Dan. “We both live in London. Maybe we could meet somewhere. You can tell me more about your religion.”

Dan should say no. He knows he shouldn’t agree. But, it’s an opportunity to spread God’s message, and he’s not allowed to give that up. “Yeah, okay. Bye.”

Dan tossed his luggage into the taxi and got inside, slamming the door closed slightly harder than he meant to.

Louise, who had been watching them for a couple of minutes, came up to Phil as the taxi drove away. “What in the world are you doing, Phil?”

“His smile doesn’t reach his eyes,” Phil replied simply.

“What’s that got to do with you?”

“I want to find out why.”

Louise sighed. “Phil, you’re such a fixer. He’s probably so focused on tearing other people apart that he’s unable to smile for real. Come on, we’ve got things to do!”

Phil took a deep breath, staring out in the direction of the taxi for a moment longer, before leaving to enjoy the rest of the convention.

 

Dan felt dirty the whole way home. He couldn't wait to get back to his apartment and get a shower. 

By the time he got home, it was the middle of the night. He should be asleep by now, but he had to do his nighttime routine first.

Routine was important. Routine was everything. The last few days had thrown his schedule off, and he needed to get back on track.

He felt like such an idiot. He should have been able to talk to Phil better. He should have been able to defend the Bible, defend God, stand up for his beliefs. But, he couldn’t. If he had been behind a camera, then he could do it. If Phil had texted him, then he could write back everything that needed to be said, but he couldn’t do it face to face.

Dan went into his bathroom and turned his shower on the hottest he could handle it. He took off his clothes then stepped under the water, flinching at the heat.

Once he was used to the temperature, he took a washcloth and began to scrub at his skin.

“God, thank you for all the blessings in my life,” he said, deciding to do his nightly prayer in the shower so he could get to sleep earlier. “I am so thankful for the opportunities given to me recently. Thank you for providing me with an audience to speak about your love, mercy, and grace. Thank you for all you have done for me, none of which I deserve.”

Tears began to mix with the water dripping down his face. “I am sorry for letting you down this weekend. I did not get to spread your word to the rest of the community as I wished to do. Please help me with my fears.” His bottom lip began to quiver. “Please h- help me right the wrongs in my mind. Please, help me.”

Suddenly, he winced, feeling pain on his arm. He looked down at where his washcloth had been scrubbing throughout his prayer. Over and over, he had scrubbed at the same spot. He had done it so harshly, and for so long, that it had become raw. Tiny beads of blood were surfacing.

He put his arm under the water, watching as the blood washed away, then he brought the washcloth back up to his arm and continued to scrub.


	2. Courage

_ “the courage to change the things I can,” _

 

The next day, Dan began a two week hiatus from the internet. This was something he did regularly, telling his fans that it was to “reconnect with God,” and he often asked them to do the same.

During this time, he put his computer away and turned off his phone, after letting his mum know how long he’ll be gone.

He spent a few days going around town, still vlogging with his camera so he’d have some things to put up once his hiatus was over. Otherwise, he stayed at home and doubled the amount of devotions he did a day, along with how many pages of the Bible he’d read.

He would also write in his journal. Sometimes it would be more ideas for future videos, and other times it would just be whatever was on his mind. 

He enjoyed disconnecting from the world and immersing himself in God’s word.

 

He couldn’t stay disconnected forever though. YouTube was his job, and he needed to be a voice for God. He needed to bring his followers closer to Him.

So, once his two weeks was up, he got back onto Twitter to see what people had been tweeting him about. 

He figured he’d answer a few questions and tell everyone how successful his two weeks went, then ask people to tell him about their own internet hiatus. 

He did not expect to get online and see that the majority of people were talking about the fact that Phil Lester had tweeted and followed him.

He became nervous suddenly, scared of whatever the tweet may be. He didn’t want to see it but, at the same time, he knew it would worry him until he did.

It took a couple of minutes for Dan to find the tweet, seeing as it had been sent two weeks ago. But, once he did, he realized he didn’t really have anything to be worried about.

_ Thanks for not yelling at me when I ran into you @danielhowell. I’ll blame the floor forever! _

It was a simple tweet, but enough to get people talking.

A lot of people were surprised that Dan and Phil knew who each other were, and some were angry that Phil had even mentioned him. Dan noticed that Phil never responded to any of the hate, and only responded to those who mentioned how clumsy he was.

Even though the tweet was old now, Dan decided to respond anyway. It would be rude not to.

_ sorry @amazingphil I was away from my computer for a bit. Did the floor try to steal my camera too or was that you? _

Dan sent the tweet, his heart beating so fast it felt as though he had downed a gallon of the strongest coffee on the planet.

Without waiting for a reply, Dan pressed the button to follow Phil. It would be rude not to, he told himself. Phil had wanted to know more about God, and it would be wrong to completely block him from his life. It wasn’t like they’d actually ever get to meet up anyway. 

Dan continued replying to other people on Twitter. He enjoyed hearing the things they did while they were away from the internet. While not everyone spent their time trying to get closer to God, they did try harder at school, or focus on their family more, or work harder at their job. All of those things were important too, and Dan was glad he could help people out in some way.

Within a couple of minutes, Dan saw that Phil had replied to him.

_ @danielhowell Oh no! I had forgotten about that. Okay, maybe that was my fault. _

Dan smiled, shaking his head at Phil’s response. He thought about replying again, but decided against it. The conversation could end right there and everything would be fine.

Except, it didn’t end there. Within a few minutes, Dan received a direct message.

He opened his messages to see that it was Phil.

_ ‘Hey! I didn’t see you were on an internet hiatus until after I wrote you. Hope I didn’t mess it up somehow.’  _

Dan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He wasn’t sure if he should respond. Still, the little voice in the back of his mind was telling him it would be rude not to. He had an opportunity to speak to someone about God, and if he let it go, he would be letting God down.

_ ‘You didn’t mess it up. I didn’t see anything until after my hiatus was over anyway.’ _

Dan sat up a bit straighter, staring at the screen as he waited to see if Phil would respond. He wasn’t exactly sure why he cared so much, but he decided it was because he had spent two weeks with barely any contact with the outside world.

People needed to connect with others from time to time, even if it was something Dan didn’t desire regularly.

He was brought out of his thoughts by another message popping up.

_ ‘What was the hiatus for, if you don’t mind me asking?’ _

_ ‘Also, I’d like to get coffee or something sometime and talk.’ _

_ ‘I still have the brochure.’ _

_ ‘And I still have questions.’ _

_ ‘And, yes, I realize I need to learn to put everything in one message.’ _

Dan laughed as he read through Phil’s messages. The thought of meeting up with Phil scared him, but he couldn’t help but smile at Phil’s awkwardness.

_ ‘I use my time away from the internet to connect with God more. It helps me get closer to Him and it calms me down. Coffee sounds good. I’m a bit busy this week, catching up on things from my break, but maybe next week.’ _

It wasn’t a lie. Dan was very busy. He had to get back to his regular schedule and make sure he spent some extra time editing so his videos could resume. But, he also couldn’t deny that he was trying to buy time. He needed time before social interactions like this. He needed to read over the brochure again, think of every question that might come up, and figure out his answers. That’s why the internet, and making videos, was so great. Any question that people had, he could fully think out his answer before responding. 

_ ‘Sounds good. We’ll figure out a time and place.’ _

Dan left the conversation at that. He looked at his phone to check the time, seeing that his alarm was about to tell him it was two-thirty. He opened his editing program so he could get a video ready to go up that night.

 

The next day, during one of Dan’s breaks, he opened his laptop and saw he had a new message on Twitter. He hadn’t been expecting one, so he was confused until he opened it up.

‘ _ I wonder how far I would’ve gotten with your camera if you hadn’t stopped me.’ _

Dan saw that the message had been sent at three o’clock that morning.

_ ‘Is this what you think about in the middle of the night when you should be asleep?’  _ Dan asked.

Not even a minute later, he got a response.

_ ‘Yes.’ _

_ ‘Do you not?’ _

Dan rolled his eyes.  _ ‘No. Because I’m asleep.’ _

_ ‘Hm. Must me nice.’  _ Phil sent back.  _ ‘I’ll have to try it sometime.’ _

A buzz from Dan’s phone distracted him. He reached over to his coffee table and picked it up, then saw it was a text from his mum asking him to call her.

_ ‘How could you possibly stay up until 3am??’  _ Dan asked before pressing the button to ring his mum.

“Hello,” she answered, her voice soft.

“Hey, Mum. How are you?”

“Oh, Daniel, it’s good to hear from you.”

“Did you not see it was me calling?”

“No, I answered too quickly,” she responded. “Let me sit down so I can talk easier.”

Dan waited, listening to rustling noises through the phone. “Alright,” she said with a sigh. “How was your break from the computer?”

“It was good. I did a lot of reading and got up some ideas for future videos.”

“That’s good. That’s good. I can’t wait to see them.”

They were both silent, and Dan felt a bit awkward, not sure what to say. “Mum, is there something wrong? You asked me to call you.”

“Oh, well, nothing really. I was just informed by a friend of mine that you made a new internet friend.”

Dan’s hands became sweaty almost immediately. “Um, not really. Who?”

“Phil, I believe is his name. He makes videos too?”

Dan took a deep breath. “Oh. He’s not really a friend. He ran into me at the convention and was just apologizing. I didn’t see it until recently because I wasn’t online.”

“Is this the Phil-”

“Mum,” he interrupted. “It’s nothing, really. He wanted to know more about God at the convention, so I followed him on Twitter so he would keep following me. I figured that would be a good way to get him to stick around and listen to what I have to say.”

“Alright, Dear. I trust you.”

“I have to go though, Mum. My break time is almost up.”

“Okay. Call me soon.”

“I will.”

Dan quickly hung up the phone and put it back on the coffee table. 

He looked back at his direct messages and saw he had some more from Phil.

_ ‘I spend way too much time on the internet and it messes with my sleep.’ _

_ ‘I should take a hiatus like you did.’ _

_ ‘But I would fail miserably.’ _

_ ‘I’d probably last like three minutes.’ _

_ ‘Maybe five.’ _

Dan leaned back further into the couch, getting comfortable before typing out a response.

_ ‘The breaks are nice. Makes you appreciate things more. You should try it sometime. Maybe you’ll last ten minutes and have a breakthrough of some kind or something.’ _

Dan waited for a response, but when five minutes passed without one, he figured Phil must’ve gotten off of Twitter.

Just then, Dan’s phone alarm started to chime, telling him his break was over. He clicked out of Twitter and got back to work.

 

Phil didn’t exactly know what he was doing. Honestly, Dan was nothing like him. At least not the Dan he saw in the videos. 

Something kept drawing him back to him though.

It was his smile.

Phil knew that.

Dan’s smile, the one that never really reached his eyes, was the reason Phil had to keep talking to him.

It wasn’t like Dan was some charity case to him or something. He did enjoy talking to him. Dan was actually pretty easy to talk to. He didn't seem that way in some of the videos Phil had watched. But there seemed to be a slight difference between the vlogger Daniel Howell, and the socially-awkward human being Dan Howell.

That’s why, for the next week, Phil couldn’t help but continue to write to him on Twitter. 

_ ‘Someone just barked at me on the tube,’ _ Phil wrote out to Dan as he walked back to his apartment.

_ ‘What?! Why?’ _

_ ‘I don’t know!’  _ Phil responded.  _ ‘They just looked at me and barked.’ _

_ ‘What did you do?’ _

Phil put his phone in his pocket so he could unlock his apartment door. Once he was inside and on the couch, he pulled his phone back out.

_ ‘I didn’t do anything. I just sat there while he barked at me, then I got off at my stop.’ _

By now, Phil pretty much knew Dan’s schedule. He knew he’d only hear from him during a certain time during the day, and today he was running late. It actually made Phil a bit upset that he’d only have about two more minutes to talk to Dan. 

_ ‘This is like the third weird thing you’ve told me about this week,’  _ Dan replied.  _ ‘How do all the strangest things happen to you?’ _

_ ‘I have no idea! If you find out, let me know!’ _

_ ‘Will do,’  _ Dan replied.

Phil looked at the time. It was two-thirty. This was probably the last he’d hear from Dan today.

‘ _ I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I wanted to make plans for us to get coffee today but my errands took longer than expected.’ _

Surprisingly, a few minutes later, Phil got a response.

_ ‘Okay. ttyl!’ _

Phil found himself smiling. It wasn’t much of a response. He didn’t even know people used phrases like ttyl anymore. But, it was something. After all these weeks, he’d finally get to sit down with Dan and discuss the things that have been on his mind since he read the brochure.

He knew his friends would probably be upset. They were all very vocal about their dislike for Dan. Especially once Louise told them all about Phil speaking to him on two separate occasions. 

It didn’t matter though. Dan was a mystery to Phil, and he wanted to figure him out. He was an adult, and he could do what he wanted. 

Plus, it wasn’t like he was going to tell anyone what he was doing anyway.

 

They had plans. Dan couldn’t believe it, but they actually had plans.

They were going to meet at a Starbucks near Dan’s house at ten o’clock in the morning.

That’s what Dan kept repeating to himself.

This was usually his vlogging time, but he was still a bit ahead from vlogging during his hiatus, so he could afford to go one day without going around town with his camera. 

He looked in the mirror. He was wearing black jeans and a white button down shirt that had birds on it. He buttoned the top button, but felt like he was going to faint, so he unbuttoned it.

He had already changed two other times, and he knew he didn’t have time to do it again.

He buttoned the top button once more.

He had to make himself look good so Phil would actually listen to what he had to say. That’s what he kept telling himself.

If he looked presentable, Phil would take in his words. If he looked poorly, his words would go in one ear and out the other.

_ That’s  _ why he kept changing.

He took a deep breath, checking to make sure his hair was in its proper place.

He brushed his left hand over his right sleeve, flinching a bit when his hand rubbed against his still-healing arm.

He had scrubbed at himself a bit too hard for a few days, and some spots were still raw.

It didn’t matter though. 

All that mattered was he was about to go meet Phil, in person, and discuss some very important topics with him.

Dan just hoped he didn’t throw up.

 

When Dan entered Starbucks, he looked around, wondering if Phil was there yet.

A little shove to his shoulder informed him that he was in some people’s way, so he moved away from the door.

He put his hands in his pockets as he stood, waiting.

“Dan!” He heard to his right. He looked over to see Phil sitting at a back corner table.

“Hi,” Dan said, smiling politely as he sat down opposite Phil. 

There were already two drinks on the table, one of which Phil had his hands wrapped around. Dan glanced at the other one.

“Oh, it’s yours,” Phil said. “If you want it. I didn’t know for sure if you liked coffee, so I got you a hot chocolate. I wasn’t sure then if you liked hot chocolate, but I think I remember you talking about it in one of your videos. If you don’t want it though then-”

“Phil, this is fine,” Dan interrupted. “I love hot chocolate. Thank you.”

Phil let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. “Okay.”

Dan wasn’t sure what to say, or do. So, he picked up his cup and took a sip of his drink. “Ow!” He exclaimed as the drink burned his tongue.

“Yeah, that’s hot,” Phil warned, far too late.

Dan gave him a glare. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Phil replied with a smile. “So, um, how long have you lived in London?”

Dan shrugged. “A few months,” he said, leaning back in his seat. “I lived in Reading before, near my parents. But, once my channel got a bit bigger, it was easier to just be in London.”

Phil nodded. “Yeah, I moved here a few years ago once I realized YouTube was going to be my career. It’s nice. Crazy expensive though.”

“Oh, I know,” Dan agreed. “I’ve got a tiny place that I’m fairly certain the landlord’s wife died in.”

Phil’s eyes widened. “You’re joking!”

“I’m not! I’m too afraid to ask, but every time he comes in he just stares in my room and then he’ll talk about his late wife for the next twenty minutes.”

“Oh my God. Well, my place doesn’t seem so bad then! I’ve just got some interesting neighbors. The ones above me fight all the time about whose turn it is to do laundry, and the one’s below me… Well, th- they are very  _ intimate _ with one another.”

Dan was confused for a second, then sucked in a breath once he realized what Phil meant. “Oh. Oh, dear. That must get very tiring.”

“Yeah, I’m not sure if it’s more tiring for me or for them.”

Dan laughed, “This is definitely an interesting city.”

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, smiling. “Yeah, it is.”

 

They continued talking long after their cups became empty. They shared stories about growing up, their school life, their home lives. They talked about things that have happened since they became relatively “well known” around the world. They talked about things that happened while walking around London. Phil gave further details on his barking-man story. 

Dan had never been able to talk to someone so easily. The conversations flowed naturally, and they never seemed to have any awkward silences.

They swapped phone numbers after a couple of hours. 

“You can text me if you get lost or something,” Phil said when he noticed Dan’s slight hesitation.

“Yeah. Yeah, that would be good. Thanks.”

It wasn’t until Dan’s alarm started going off on his phone that he realized he had been talking to Phil for four and a half hours. 

“Oh my gosh! I didn’t realize it was so late,” Dan said, becoming slightly panicked at how far off schedule he was.

“I didn’t either,” Phil replied, checking his own phone. “I guess we just lost track of time.”

“Yeah,” Dan replied, scooting back in his chair. “Um, I better go. I have some editing and stuff that needs to be done. This was fun though, Phil. Thanks for the drink!”

Phil stood up as Dan started to walk off. “Wait! Um, do you want to come back next week?”

Without really taking in what Phil asked, Dan nodded his head. “Yeah, sure. That’s great! Bye!”

 

Once Phil was back at his house, he sat down on his couch and thought about his day. He realized he hadn’t asked Dan a single question that he had planned to ask. Instead, their conversations had been light and simple. 

From the things Louise and his other friends had said, he expected that a long conversation with Dan would inevitably lead to discussions on God and salvation. That’s what the vlogger Daniel Howell did. He pitched God to his audience on a daily basis.

Phil didn’t let himself think about it too much. He got his phone out of his pocket and pulled up Dan’s number to send him a message.

_ ‘Just checking you didn’t get lost on your way home.’ _

Within a few seconds, the typing bubble popped up. Phil found himself grinning as he waited for a response.

_ ‘I live five minutes away from the Starbucks, Phil. London is new, but it’s not that new.’ _

Phil laughed, settling back into the couch.  _ ‘Had to make sure. It’s the neighborly thing to do. I realize I didn’t talk to you about any of the things I said I wanted to talk about today. Hopefully I’ll remember next week.’ _

 

Dan stared at his screen, his body becoming hot when he realized he was going to have to do this again next week. Until this moment, it hadn’t registered what Phil had said as he left Starbucks.

It also hadn’t registered that he and Phil never discussed God once. That was Dan’s whole point in going. He was supposed to make up for the fact he didn’t witness to Phil at the convention.

_ ‘Yeah, I think the strangeness of the city just distracted us,’  _ he finally replied. The conversation could have ended there, but Dan didn’t let it. He laid down on the couch, moving his laptop down on the floor beside him, and continued to text.  _ ‘Did anything happen on your way home this time?’ _

_ ‘Not this time,’  _ Phil responded.  _ ‘But I did touch someone else’s gum.’ _

_ ‘How did that happen?!’ _

_ ‘Well, I was in the back of a cab and I went to open the door and it was behind the door handle. It was still moist too.’ _

_ ‘I hate the word moist!’  _ Dan replied, cringing as he wrote out the word.  _ ‘That’s disgusting. I hope you washed your hand.’ _

The typing bubble popped up, then disappeared, then a couple of minutes later it popped up again.  _ ‘I have now,’ _ Phil responded.

_ ‘Absolutely disgusting!’ _

 

They texted for hours. 

Dan forgot about editing his video. He forgot to keep to his schedule. For the first time in a very, very long time, he didn’t notice the numbers on the clock. 

They texted through the sunset. They texted past Dan’s bedtime. They texted until Dan’s eyes grew heavy, eventually closing for good as his phone fell onto his chest.

 

When Dan woke up the next morning on the couch, he immediately knew he had messed up. He had forgotten to do his devotions, he forgot to read the Bible, he forgot to say his prayers. He hadn’t posted a video, or sent out his nightly Bible verse to his Twitter followers.

He leaned forward, clicking on his phone to turn it on and the first thing he saw was messages from Phil.

_ ‘I don’t know how you do that well at Mario Kart. I’m good, but not that good.’ _

_ ‘Are you there?’ _

_ ‘You must’ve fallen asleep.’ _

_ ‘I should go to sleep.’ _

_ ‘I’m probably going to play Mario Kart.’ _

_ ‘Goodnight, Dan.’ _

_ ‘Or, good morning, I guess!’ _

Dan laid his head back down against the armrest, nervously biting at his bottom lip as he typed out a reply. 

_ ‘Good morning, Phil.’ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kind comments! They mean so much to me!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	3. Wisdom

_ “and the wisdom to know the difference.” _

 

“How do you always beat me here?” Dan whined as he sat at his and Phil’s usual spot.

Phil shrugged. “I’m a magician.”

“Oh, that explains it then. Seriously though, you don’t have to buy me a drink every time. Let me get one once.”

“It’s the rule. Whoever gets here first has to buy the drink.”

Dan eyed Phil curiously. “I don’t remember us making that rule.”

“I made it,” Phil replied. “After I got here first again the second week, I decided that whoever was here first had to get the drinks. Then I was first the third week, and now the fourth.”

“How early would I have to arrive to be the first one here?”

“I guess you’ll just have to figure that out for yourself.”

 

The conversations between Dan and Phil came easily. Somehow, they always found something else to talk about with one another.

Phil still hadn’t mentioned the brochure or Dan’s beliefs. He meant to, but when Dan would get there and sit down, Phil always found something better to talk about.

Sure, Dan had some oddities. He always had to leave at the same time. He would only text Phil during his scheduled breaks. He would sometimes unnecessarily insert God or Christianity into a sentence. And he went to bed at a ridiculously early hour. 

But, even with the habits that weren’t “normal” to Phil, he couldn’t help but want to be around him.

 

“I don’t get it,” Dan said, drinking the last remaining sip of his hot chocolate.

“Don’t get what?”

“Why you keep wanting to hang out with me. I’m not very entertaining, and we don’t have much in common.”

“That’s not true!” Phil replied, sitting up a bit straighter. “We both like Starbucks. We both like Mario Kart. We’re both glad to be done with high school, we like making videos for the internet, and we’re not very social.”

Dan rolled his eyes, “That’s not what I mean, Phil.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… I mean, I’m a Christian. I believe in God, and in going to church, and all of the things that brochure said. You don’t.”

Phil looked out the window, taking a moment to think before responding. “Is it a rule that we have to have the same beliefs to hang out?” He asked, looking back at Dan. “Didn’t Jesus have loads of wild friends or something?”

Dan laughed. “Jesus befriended many people, yes.”

“Okay, so that’s us.”

“Are you comparing me to Jesus, or you?”

“Isn’t it wrong to compare yourself to him or something?”

“It’s frowned upon, yes,” Dan replied, nodding.

“Then we won’t do that.” Phil leaned back in his chair, taking a deep breath. “Listen, Dan, I don’t get a lot of what you believe. I think some of those things I read in that brochure are, well, pretty terrible.”

Dan’s heart started to race. There was a familiar burning feeling in his eyes letting him know he was near tears. He almost felt like he was about to be rejected for something he had been looking forward to for years.

“But,” Phil continued, “Y- You’re different. You’ve never pushed your beliefs on me or anything, so I have no reason to do that to you. I  _ do  _ want to talk about it more one day. I know I keep saying that, but I really mean it. I just… It’s easy to get distracted with you.”

Dan stared into Phil’s eyes, unsure of how to respond. He was relieved when someone bumped into his shoulder, giving him reason to look away.

Dan blinked a few times, making sure the tears had cleared from his eyes before he looked back at Phil. “You better let me pay next week,” he said, taking the conversation back to a safer place.

Phil gave him a gentle smile. “Get here first and I will.”

 

Phil was having a lazy day at his flat when his doorbell rang.

He got up from the couch and walked over to the front door. Once he looked through the peephole, he opened the door. “Hey, Louise. I didn’t know you were coming over.”

“I just thought I’d drop by,” she replied, smiling as Phil stepped out of the way for her to come in. “I haven’t seen you in a bit and I was missing ya.”

“Would you like a drink?” Phil asked as they made their way to the living room.

“Oh, I’m fine. Thank you.”

Phil sat back down on the couch as Louise sat in a chair across from him. 

“So, how’ve you been?” Louise asked.

“Good, good. You?”

“Good. Busy,” she replied, her eyes widening for dramatic effect. “Lots going on.”

Phil nodded. “Yeah.”

An awkward silence settled in the room. Louise was distracting herself by looking around at all of Phil’s things. It was obvious she was trying to come up with something to say.

“Is something wrong, Louise?” Phil asked.

“Why would you think that?”

“Because you’re avoiding actually speaking to me even though you came over. And you came over without letting me know you were coming over. You never do that.”

Louise sighed, slightly slumping in her chair. “I hate to be a downer, Phil, you know that, right?”

“Yes, I know.”

“And you know that everything I tell you, I tell you with love. As your friend. One of your best friends, yes?”

“Louise, please get on with it.”

“Someone spotted you and Dan at Starbucks. They took a picture and put it online.”

“O- Okay?” Phil replied, slightly confused. “People do that all the time.”

“Not of you with Dan!” Louise exclaimed. “Phil, do you not realize the negative impact this could have on your career?”

“You really think I’m going to lose my career over having coffee with Dan?”

Louise scoffed. “I think you could lose a lot of followers, yes, and potentially a lot of respect! Haven’t you seen the things he’s spoken about? His views on abortion, gay marriage, premarital sex? He speaks about it all the time in his videos.”

“Not  _ all  _ the time,” Phil defended.

Louise crossed her arms. “So you have seen them?”

Phil sighed. “Yes, I have. And I want to talk to him about all of that. We just haven’t gotten to it yet.”

“This is a  _ regular _ thing? Going out with him?”

“We meet up every week to talk.”

“Every week?” She repeated, her eyes widening.

“It’s really not that big of a deal-”

“Does he know about you?” She asked, cutting him off.

“Know _what_ about me?” He asked, as if he were challenging her to say it.

“The fact you can’t answer my question answers my question.”

“Louise, I’ll tell him if I need to. Right now, I don’t need to. It’s not like it really matters anyway.”

“It’ll matter to him once he knows,” she retorted. 

For the first time since their conversation began, she noticed the hurt look in Phil’s eyes as he stared slightly passed her. “Listen, I’m sorry if I’m being too forward. I just don’t want you getting hurt.”

“I know,” he replied quietly.

“And you can’t very well go around saying you’re for equality and all of these different things, then hang out with someone who is against all of that. It’s going to make people angry, and rightfully so.”

“I get it, Louise.”

“Okay. Can I have that drink now or do you want to throw me out?”

Phil rolled his eyes and stood up. “What do you want?”

 

“Ha!” Dan exclaimed as he walked up beside Phil, who was still waiting in line for their drinks.

Phil jumped slightly before realizing who it was. “Oh! Hey!”

“I get to pay this time,” Dan replied, foregoing a hello.

“No, you don’t.”

“You haven’t paid yet. You haven’t even ordered yet.”

“But I was still here first.”

Dan sighed. “I got here thirty minutes early to beat you. Why are you here?”

Phil smiled. “Because I figured you’d come in early to try and beat me here.”

“That’s very rude, Philly.”

Phil tried to stop his heart from speeding up the sound of a nickname from Dan. “Well,  _ Danny,  _ I’ll try to be more considerate next time. Now go get our table before someone else grabs it.”

 

Once Phil had their drinks, he walked over to their table and set Dan’s down. 

“Thank you,” Dan replied, wrapping his hands around the cup.

“Of course.” Phil sat down across from him and took a sip of his drink. As he set his cup down, he looked over at Dan. “Can I ask you something?”

“You sound serious,” Dan said, sitting up straighter.

“It is, kind of. I guess.”

Dan tried to hide the fact that he immediately became nervous. His eyes shifted away from Phil, but he quickly returned them to avoid suspicion. “Okay.”

“I’ve seen some of your videos, as you know, and I’ve read that brochure. I’ve actually read that brochure many, many times, and I just don’t get it.”

“Don’t get what?” Dan asked. His hands were sweaty. Why were his hands sweating already? He wasn’t even sure what Phil needed explained yet.

“It- It’s kind of like you’re two different people.”

“O- Oh,” Dan replied. He had been taught many times over the years that you should never be two-faced, and he never wanted to be.

“That sounded so much worse than I meant, I’m sorry!” Phil said, concern growing on his face. “I just mean, you don’t seem so aggressive with me. Some of your videos are aggressive though, and I don’t think I need to mention the brochure again.”

Dan reached up and awkwardly fixed his hair, not exactly sure what to say. “I just- I don’t know what you’re asking me, Phil.”

“Right, I’m bad at this. Sorry. I just want to know your view on things.”

“What things?”

Phil reached in his pocket and pulled out the brochure, setting it on the table. “Let’s start with the first column. Being gay.”

Dan reached out for the brochure and opened it up. “Okay, well, the Bible says-”

“No,” Phil interrupted, stopping him from simply reading off of the brochure. “No, I mean, what’s  _ your  _ opinion?”

“My opinion is the same as the Bible,” Dan replied.

“You don’t have your own thoughts on it?”

“The Bible is there to guide us. It’s there to tell us what’s right and wrong, and we follow those rules.”

“The Bible also says to stone women to death if it can’t be proved that their a virgin.”

“That’s the old testament,” Dan responded.

“What’s that mean?”

“You don’t follow the old testament's teachings. That was before Jesus came.”

“But the stuff about being gay is in the old testament.”

Dan nodded. “Some of it. But it’s in the new testament too.”

Phil sighed. “Then they should have used that in the brochure instead of the old testament verse.”

They both fell silent. Neither of them had raised their voice during the discussion. Phil had been determined to keep things as civil as possible. He just needed answers.

“Can I ask you something else?”

“Yeah.”

“What would you do if someone you knew was gay, or had an abortion, or had premarital sex? Would you hate them?”

Dan shook his head. “No, I wouldn’t hate them. Just because I don’t agree with something doesn’t mean I hate anyone who does those things.”

“Well, this,” Phil replied, picking up the brochure and putting it back in his pocket. “Makes it sound like you would.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Dan replied sincerely. “My pastor does have a problem with being approachable sometimes. I guess that comes over in his writings.”

“Yeah,” Phil replied, picking up his drink and taking a sip.

“Do my videos come over as bad as that?” Dan asked. “I try to tell how I feel without being mean.”

“You’re not as bad as your pastor,” Phil said. “But your words can be hurtful to hear for people who have gone through those situations. It seems a bit one sided sometimes.”

Dan nodded, taking in the criticism. It was something he didn’t do often. Usually, when people disagreed, he’d recite a Bible verse stating why he was right in his approach.

“I’ll try working on that,” he replied softly.

 

Their conversations turned lighter from that point on. Phil decided that was enough about religion for the time being, knowing he could always ask more questions later.

“I have a convention thing I have to go to next week,” Phil said as the end of their afternoon neared. “So, I won’t be here for coffee.”

“Oh, okay,” Dan replied, ignoring the ache in his chest.

“I was just wondering if you’d like to go have dinner somewhere this weekend, before I go. It’ll be my way of making up for my absence.”

Dan smiled. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I know, but I want to. It can get a bit loud in here sometimes. It’d be nice to go somewhere different, just once.”

“Well… okay, that’ll be good,” Dan replied with a nod.

“Great!”

Just then, Dan’s phone started to chime, letting them know their time was up. “Just text me your address and I’ll meet you at your place,” Phil said as they stood up to leave. 

“Alright,” Dan replied. They walked out of Starbucks, saying goodbye as they headed their separate ways.

 

Dan was nervous. He hadn’t thought much of it at the time, but going out to dinner is very different from grabbing a cup of coffee.

_ It’s just dinner with a friend,  _ he thought over and over as he threw another shirt onto his bed. It was the fifth one he had put on at this point.

It was very annoying to not know where he and Phil were going. He had thought about asking, but didn’t know if that would be weird.

He’d hate to ask if it was some place fancy, then have Phil worry if it was a relaxed restaurant.

He pulled a black jumper from his wardrobe. He rarely wore it, but it was a perfect mix of casual and fancy. With it he wore black jeans, and black boots.

“Wearing enough black?” He asked himself, sighing as he looked into his mirror.

He hated feeling like this. He never really had a friend to do things with before. 

That’s why he was so nervous. 

That’s why he kept changing. 

That’s why he wanted to make sure his hair was perfect.

That’s what he kept telling himself.

 

Phil was nervous. He felt like he might throw up.

Dan was his friend.

He had become a very close friend over the almost two months that they’d known each other. So many hours had been spent texting and talking in person.

He wasn’t sure what it was about Dan that kept drawing him in. When it came to beliefs, they were very different.

But, in so many other ways, they were similar.

Phil just enjoyed being around him.

He enjoyed his company.

Being a friend with someone had never been so easy.

They could spend hours texting one another without ever running out of things to say. That was something he’d never been able to do with anyone else.

Phil always enjoyed being alone. He liked company, but he’d get tired after awhile. Social situations left him feeling drained; all he wanted to do was take a ten hour nap to recover.

But, when he’d leave Starbucks after sitting with Dan, he felt refreshed.

He’d wait for the next week, counting down the days until they got to see each other again.

And he knew Dan’s break hours perfectly now. He knew when he’d get responses to texts. He knew when to keep his phone nearby. 

It all seemed so simple but, with their very different lifestyles, it was an extremely difficult friendship to have.

Phil didn’t care about that right now though. All he cared about was making sure his taxi arrived at Dan’s flat on time so they wouldn’t be late.

 

When Phil got up to Dan’s flat, he took a deep breath before knocking on the door.

He listened for any signs of Dan coming to the door. He was just about to knock again as the door opened.

“Hi!” Phil greeted, smiling wide.

“Hello,” Dan replied, smiling back. “Um, do you want to come in?”

“I would but the taxi is waiting for us.”

“Okay. Let me grab my wallet.”

“You won’t need it,” Phil assured him.

“Phil-”

“No, this was my idea. Next dinner, you can pay.”

Dan sighed. “Fine,” he said. Phil moved back so Dan could come out of his apartment. 

He walked over to his neighbor’s door and reached up over the frame.

“What are you doing?” Phil asked.

“I had a little problem with losing my key when I first moved here,” Dan replied, grabbing his key and walking back to his door. “So I leave it above my neighbor’s door now. That way, if someone ever finds it, they’ll think it’s for their flat and they won’t come in and murder me.”

“Th- That’s actually a good idea.”

Dan nodded. Once he had locked his door, he returned the key to its spot, then walked over to Phil. “Okay, I’m ready.”

 

“This… This is much fancier than I expected,” Dan said as they walked into the dim, quiet restaurant. It was a beautiful place, mostly lit by fairy lights and candles. Each table seemed to have its own space; all far enough apart so you weren’t constantly hearing everyone else’s conversations. “I didn’t dress appropriately,” he added, looking down at his outfit.

“Oh, please! You look amazing,” Phil replied before walking over to hostess.

Dan held back his desire to smile at the compliment.

 

Once they had ordered their food, Dan looked around the restaurant. “This is a beautiful place. I didn’t know it existed.”

“Yeah. I’ve actually never been here before, but my parents always come when they visit.”

“You said they visit quite a bit, right?”

Phil nodded. “Yeah, for a few days every other month. The months they don’t come here, I go there.”

Dan shook his head. “I haven’t been back home since I left.”

“Do you miss it?”

“Not really,” Dan replied. He looked down at his drink, holding onto the straw and slowly stirring it around. “I was there a lot longer than I wanted to be. I was in my mid-twenties and still living in the same room I’d been in since I was little. Not an adult's dream.”

“This is the first apartment you’ve had?”

“Yeah. It’s not the greatest, but I  _ am _ proud of it.”

“You should be. Any accomplishment, even if it’s later than you really wanted, is still worth being proud of.”

Dan smiled. “Has anyone ever told you that you sometimes sound like a fortune cookie?”

“Yes, they have actually,” Phil laughed. 

 

They continued talking until their food arrived. Once their plates were set down in front of them, Phil picked up his fork to begin to eat.

He stopped, however, when he saw Dan with his eyes closed and head bowed.

Phil stared at Dan until he opened his eyes. “What… What were you doing?” Phil asked.

“Praying,” Dan replied, picking up his fork.

“Oh. Oh, right! Of course! You can pray out loud, if you want to ever. I just mean, I wouldn’t mind if you did.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

Phil nodded, looking down at his food. “It looks good,” he said, twisting his fork around to pick up some noodles.

“It looks incredible. I’m starving.”

 

They ate in comfortable silence for awhile. 

Phil took a few bites of his pasta, but found each one slightly more difficult to take. There was a bigger reason for asking Dan out to dinner tonight, and Phil couldn’t let another moment go by without telling him.

“Dan?”

“Yeah?” Dan replied, looking up from his plate.

Phil set his fork down. “I need to tell you something.”

Dan’s heart started to race. No good conversation ever started that way.

“Okay,” he said, laying his fork on his plate. 

“It’s about me,” Phil replied.

Dan’s eyes widened, “Are you dying?” He asked, unable to stop himself.

Phil couldn’t help but laugh. “No! Oh my God, no! I’m sorry, it’s not funny, but your face made it funny!”

Dan leaned back, putting a hand over his heart. “I almost had a heart attack, Phil!”

Phil took a moment to compose himself. “Sorry,” he repeated. “Okay, I’m back now." He took a deep breath, "What I needed to tell you is that I am… I’m bi.”

“You’re going bye?” Dan replied, confused. “I know you’re leaving, Phil. That’s why we’re having dinner.”

Phil sighed, waving his hand to stop Dan. “No, no, Dan. I mean I’m bisexual. Do you know what bisexual is?”

“Oh,” Dan replied, looking from Phil, to his drink, to his plate, and then back to Phil. “Yeah. Yes, I know what that is.”

“Okay. I just… I just wanted you to know. I really like being your friend, Dan, and I didn’t want to lie to you about this. I know it may change things, or whatever, but you said that you wouldn’t hate someone just because they were gay, but I really don’t want to be friends if you’re going to hate me somehow or someth-”

“Phil, Phil!” Dan interrupted. “Calm down. It’s okay.”

Dan hadn’t given it a second thought. He ignored the voices in his head; the ones telling him that he should try and fix Phil. He blocked that out in favor of calming his friend down.

“It is?” Phil asked. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. I’d- I’d still like to be your friend. And I would never hate you.”

Phil let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. “Okay. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. Now, do you want a bite of my food before I inhale it like my life depends on it?”

Phil laughed. “Yes, but only if you take a bite of mine!”

“Deal.”

 

When they got back to Dan’s flat, Dan invited Phil in to play Mario Kart.

“Okay, this is ridiculous!” Phil exclaimed after losing for the fourth time. “How are you so good?!”

“I told you! It’s how I spend most of my free time. Plus it was one of the only games I was allowed to play growing up. I have much experience in the world of Mario Kart.”

“I always thought I was good,” Phil replied, pouting out his bottom lip dramatically.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Dan said, reaching over and patting Phil’s shoulder. “A few hundred more hours and you might just win one.”

Phil glared over at him. “Rude.”

Dan smiled, dropping his arm from Phil’s shoulder. “I need a drink. You want some water or ribena?” Dan asked, standing and heading to the kitchen. “I think that’s all I have besides milk.”

“I’m fine. Thanks.”

While Dan was gone, Phil looked at what was on his coffee table. Besides his Bible and devotional, there was another book that just had a photo of a dog on it. Phil picked it up, staring at the cover before opening it.

Every page was just pictures of dogs.

“What’s this?” Phil asked as Dan walked back into the room. 

“Oh!” He exclaimed, setting his cup of water down. “That’s a book my grandma got me for my birthday.”

“A book filled with dogs?” Phil asked, amused.

“Yes! I love dogs,” Dan replied, sitting down closer to Phil so he could look at the book. “She said it was because I couldn’t have a real one in this apartment.”

“Aw! That’s so sweet!”

They sat shoulder to shoulder as Phil turned the pages. With each new set of dogs, they would both pick their favorite. More often than not, they chose the same.

Once Phil reached the last page, he closed the book and set it back on the coffee table. He leaned back on the sofa, resting his head against the cushion. “Tonight was fun,” he said, looking over at Dan.

Dan leaned back to match Phil’s posture. “Yeah, it was.”

They both fell silent. It took a few seconds for Dan to register that Phil was just staring at him.

It took a few more seconds to register that he was staring back.

Dan wasn’t just staring at Phil’s eyes either, although he was pretty sure they had the power to hypnotise people. He was looking all over. His hair, his nose, his cheeks… his lips.

He kept going back to his lips.

Why’d he keep going back to his lips?

_ Because I want to kiss him,  _ he thought. Before he fully realized it, he was leaning in. And Phil wasn’t moving away.

“Dan,” Phil whispered, as if he were telling him it was okay.

Dan’s chest was heaving as he got closer to Phil. He was only about an inch away when his phone started chiming, telling him it was time to get ready for bed.

He jumped back, quickly reaching over to grab his phone from the coffee table. He shut the alarm off, then turned to Phil, who was now sitting up and watching him.

“I- I need to get to bed,” Dan said, his voice shaking. His whole body was shaking.

“Dan, do you wanna-”

Dan stood up. “I have to keep to my schedule,” he said, walking over to the door. “Thank you for tonight, Phil. Goodnight.”

Dan opened the door, ignoring Phil as he stood and walked over to him.

“Goodnight, Dan,” he replied, his voice soft, sad.

Dan closed the door quickly behind Phil.

Tears stung his eyes as panic filled in his body. 

This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was never supposed to happen.

He hurried to the bathroom, turning the shower on its hottest setting.

He dug the palms of his hands into his eyes, wiping the tears away before they had a chance to fall.

He undressed, grabbed a washcloth, and got into the shower.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he repeated over and over as he nervously began to scrub at his skin. “Please, forgive me. I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than expected to write out. It brought up a lot of memories from the church I grew up in... I had to pause a few times and go to happier things. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think of this story so far. Comments help me stay motivated!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	4. Living

_“Living one day at a time,_

_enjoying one moment at a time;”_

 

The next morning, Dan announced on Twitter that he was going on another hiatus. He didn’t disclose how long, he just said that he enjoyed the last one so much that he needed another one.

He knew he wouldn’t be able to go without the internet forever, although he wished he could. YouTube was his job, it was his way to pay the bills. He had a few Christian sponsors as well, so he’d have to make videos for them sometime.

But, this would give him a week at least. A week to get back on track. A week to get his mind cleared and corrected.

 

_“Daniel, come here please!”_

_“Just one second, Mum!”_

_Dan finished buttoning up his church shirt, then ran downstairs to see what his mum needed. “Where are you?”_

_“I’m in the study!”_

_Dan walked to the study, peeking his head around the door to see his mum at the computer. “Is something the matter?”_

_“Come over here, please.”_

_Dan walked over to the computer, standing behind the chair his mum was sitting on. When he saw what was on the screen, his heart started pounding in his ears._

_“What’s this?” She asked, her voice too calm._

_“I don’t know,” he answered quickly. Too quickly._

_“Daniel, don’t lie to me. What is it?”_

_“It’s nothing, Mum, I promise. I was just doing research for a paper in school.”_

_She turned in her chair to face him, causing him to stumble back a step. “Daniel, these articles try to justify homosexuality, they do not try to condemn it. I highly doubt your school would enjoy a paper like that. And if they would, you are clearly in the wrong place.”_

_Dan felt like he might throw up. “Mum, really, it’s nothing.”_

_“After church,” she replied, not believing his poor excuses. “After church, we are going to speak with the pastor. He will decide what’s best for this matter.”_

_“Mum-”_

_“Enough, Daniel! Go finish getting ready for church.”_

 

Dan stared down at his phone on the coffee table. It had been five days since he started his hiatus, and he had ran out of things to do.

Nothing held his attention for very long. His journal was all set up with ideas for the next couple of months. He had finished most of his devotional, but he didn’t want go through the entire thing, because then he’d have to go out and buy a new one.

He thought about the definition “internet hiatus” for a moment. That’s what he told his followers that he was going on. So, if he just turned on his phone and didn’t use the internet, that would still be following the rules. He could play some games that didn’t require wifi. That would work.

He reached over and grabbed his phone. He leaned back against the couch carefully, as even his back was raw from the last shower he had.

He turned on his phone, then started looking around for the apps he had that didn’t require an internet connection.

He was about to click on Temple Run when text messages started coming through.

He watched the numbers on the messages app rise up to ten before it came to a stop.

He bit at his bottom lip, knowing he shouldn’t check the messages. But, it might be his mum, and it might’ve been an emergency.

When he opened the app, he saw that none of the messages were from his mum. They were all from one person.

Phil.

Before he could read any of them, he exited out of the app and went to Temple Run.

 

He played Temple Run for almost an hour, losing fairly quickly each time. He couldn’t concentrate at all.

His mind just kept going back to Phil and whatever the texts might say.

Against his better judgment, he went back to his messages and clicked on Phil’s name.

_‘Dan, are you okay?’_

_‘I’m here if you need to talk.’_

_‘It doesn’t have to be about that. It can be about anything.’_

That was all sent the day after everything had happened. About the same time as Dan announced his hiatus.

The next day there were three more texts.

_‘I just saw on Twitter that you’re on a hiatus.’_

_‘So you probably won’t see these until it’s over.’_

_‘But let me know when it is.’_

Dan took a deep breath, then continued scrolling down. The next set of texts were from today.

_‘Okay, I know you’re still on hiatus, but you’re the only person I can think of to tell this to who would care as much as me.’_

_‘I’m pretty sure I just drank another person’s drink. Actually, I’m positive, because then the other person picked it up and drank it and they did it like they knew it was there’s.’_

_‘But I am also positive that this particular person doesn’t brush their teeth and I’m trying to not throw up.’_

_‘This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to go places.’_

Dan couldn’t help but laugh. Without even thinking about it, he typed out a reply. _‘Because I know you haven’t done it yet, go brush your teeth!!!’_

Within a matter of seconds, the typing bubble was popping up.

‘ _I’m going now!’_

_‘There was food caked in her teeth.’_

_‘I bet there was backwash.’_

_‘I’m gagging.’_

_‘Is your hiatus over?’_

Dan took a deep breath as he read over the last message. He had forgotten about that for a second.

 _‘Not officially,’_ he replied.

About two minutes later he got a few replies.

_‘Oh.’_

_‘I just brushed my teeth btw’_

_‘I’ll stop bothering you during your hiatus though. I know it’s important to you.’_

Dan bit at his bottom lip. _‘You didn’t bother me,’_ he replied.

 _‘Good to know,’_ Phil responded. _‘If you get bored or just want to talk. I’ll be here.’_

_‘Literally, exactly where I am right now.’_

_‘Which is my hotel bed.’_

_‘Because I’m not leaving my room again until I have to.’_

_‘I need to brush my teeth again.’_

Dan rolled his eyes. _‘Go brush. Ttyl.’_

 

Dan ended his hiatus two days later. He got back to editing and uploading his videos, and posting Bible verses onto his Twitter page.

Everything seemed to be getting back to normal.

Allowing himself to take time to get more invested in the Bible helped to clear his mind and calm him down.

He prayed a lot during his hiatus, and he felt freer that he had ever felt before.

The day Phil got home from the convention, he texted Dan to see if they were going to get coffee again on their usual day.

Dan waited twenty minutes before responding with a simple, _‘yes.’_

 

When Dan arrived at the coffee shop, Phil was already there, smiling with two cups set on the table.

“Why do I even bother?” Dan asked, sitting down.

“I’m not sure. You really shouldn’t.”

Dan smiled. “So, how was the convention?”

“Good, I suppose,” Phil replied with a shrug. “Lots of answering questions and pretending I wanted to be at parties.”

“Sounds fun.”

“Oh, it’s a blast.”

As Dan took a sip of his drink, Phil noticed that he hadn’t made eye contact with him yet.

“So, how have you been?” Phil asked.

“Fine,” Dan answered simply.

“Hiatus went well?”

“Yes, very.”

“That’s good. What did you do?”

“Read a lot, took walks, prayed, read some more.” As he spoke, Dan would look out the window, then down at his cup, then just past Phil. Like he was trying to make it seem as though he was staring at him, but he was very obviously not.

“Are you okay, Dan?” Phil asked, moving his head over to meet Dan’s eyes.

“Yeah, fine, why?” Dan asked, shifting his eyes again.

“Because you won’t look at me.”

Dan took a deep breath and finally looked Phil in the eyes. “I am looking at you.”

“Oh,” Phil said, nodding. “My mistake.”

They fell silent again. Phil found himself drinking his coffee faster than usual, not sure what else to do.

“My, um, my parents are coming to visit,” Phil said after almost two minutes of complete silence.

“Oh, that’s nice.”

“Yeah, they’ll only be here a couple of days. They arrive tomorrow.”

“Anything planned?”

Phil shook his head. “No. We’ve done all the touristy stuff before. Mum will probably just cook me a bunch of food and we’ll sit and chat.”

“Sounds lovely.”

“It usually is.”

Silence.

Phil didn’t know what to do. He knew what the problem was, but he had no idea how to approach it. He had let Dan know he was there for him. They had talked like normal when he was away.

This was just so different.

He didn’t know how to fix it.

He just wished he could.

“So,” he started, not even sure what to say. “Have your parents visited lately?”

“What?” Dan asked, jumping slightly. He had clearly disappeared into his own world.

“Your parents? Have they visited recently?”

“Um, no. No, they haven’t. I’m sure they will though. They pop in from time to time.”

“Do you make plans when they come? Do the touristy things since you’re new here?”

“No time for plans, really. They just drop in whenever they feel like it.”

“They don’t… They don’t let you know when they’re coming to visit?”

Dan shook his head. “Nope.”

“Oh. Well, I guess that’s just how some parents are,” he said, trying to laugh it off. He could tell by the look on Dan’s face that Dan didn’t exactly find it amusing.

“Yeah, I guess.”

Dan didn’t know what came over him in that moment, but he suddenly felt like crying. His eyes were damp and he was a bit shaky. He didn’t like this conversation. He wanted it to be over. He wanted this whole day to be over.

“So-”

“You know,” Dan interrupted, checking the time on his phone. “I better go. I have some extra editing to do, so I- I need to go.”

Phil sighed, “Dan,” he said as Dan got up to leave. “You can just talk to me, you know? About whatever.”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, I know,” he said, backing away from the table. “I really have to go though. Thanks for the drink.”

 

If there was one thing Phil didn’t do, it was give up on his friends. Especially the ones who needed him the most.

So, throughout the week, he texted Dan. It would be random things, as usual.

Telling him about a weird thing that happened on the tube. Asking him what his favorite animal was. Telling him he beat his old best time on Mario Kart.

And, throughout the week, he got minimal responses from Dan. One word replies that, even though he couldn’t hear him, he knew Dan had no emotion behind.

 _‘Starbucks tomorrow?’_ Phil asked, nervous about whatever response he might get.

He waited and waited and was just about to give up on waiting when he got a response.

_‘Yes.’_

Phil smiled, grateful for even the smallest hope that Dan still wanted him in his life.

 

The next day, Phil arrived at Starbucks before Dan.

He was glad for that. It would give them something to talk about for a few seconds at least.

He ordered their usual, then waited at the counter until the order was ready.

Once he had the drinks, he moved to their usual table. He was surprised that this table was always empty. He wondered if the employees put a ‘reserved’ sign up each week, waiting for them to arrive, knowing that’s where they sat.

He got on his phone, playing games until time for Dan to arrive.

When it was time for Dan to get there, he put his phone down and stared out the window so he could see when he arrived.

Five minutes later, he was still waiting.

If it were anyone else, it wouldn’t be unusual. But Dan was always punctual. He was either right on time or early. Never late.

 _Maybe he got stuck behind foot traffic,_ Phil thought. He ignored the fact that there were less people out than normal today.

He waited another ten minutes before texting Dan.

_‘Are you alright?’_

When five minutes passed with no response, he texted again.

_‘Dan, you’re never late. What’s happened?’_

Again, no response.

Not allowing himself to panic, Phil settled into his seat and picked up his cup. He drank his coffee, staring out the window the entire time.

As he reached the end of his cup, he unlocked his phone and texted Dan again.

_‘I’ve thought of about twenty different ways you could have died by now.’_

Staring down at the messages, waiting for the typing bubble to appear, he reached over for Dan’s drink. It would be getting cold soon and, when Dan arrived, he would buy him a fresh one.

He drank Dan’s coffee slowly. He forced himself to play some games on his phone as he waited for a reply.

When none came, and he reached the end of Dan’s cup, he typed out one more text.

_‘It’s been over an hour, Dan. I now have about fifty ways you could have died stuck in my head. Each weirder than the last.’_

Phil sighed. He got up and headed out of Starbucks. If he couldn’t get ahold of Dan, he’d go find him.

 

About ten minutes later, he arrived at Dan’s apartment. He knocked on the door, trying to stop himself from shaking with worry.

He was surprised when he actually heard the door being unlocked and then opened.

And there was Dan, standing before him, looking perfectly fine.

He was dressed in a white jumper and black jeans, and his hair was still on his head. That’s what Phil was currently taking note of. The fact that every detail he knew about Dan’s appearance was still the same, so he wasn’t, in fact, dead or seriously injured.

“Oh. Hi, Phil,” Dan said, and Phil noticed that he sounded fine too, so he hadn’t lost his voice.

“Dan,” Phil replied coldly. “Can I come in?”

“Well, actually-”

Phil moved passed Dan, deciding he didn’t need to wait for a response.

“Okay,” Dan said, closing the door back.

“Where were you?” Phil asked, hands in his hips.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, where were you?” Phil replied. “I waited at Starbucks for over an hour. I texted you multiple times. I drank both of our drinks. I’m feeling slightly shaky and I’m not sure if it’s from the caffeine or the fact I thought you were dead!”

Dan calmly walked over to the couch and sat. “Oh, I must’ve forgot that was today,” he said, and Phil noticed he was avoiding eye contact again.

“You forgot?” Phil asked. He was actually feeling angry right now. “You, Daniel Howell, ‘Mr. I-schedule-every-minute-of-my-life’ forgot?”

Dan shrugged. “Sorry, Phil. It just slipped my mind.”

“It slipped your mind?” Phil repeated. “We’ve been having these coffee dates for months, Dan, and you suddenly forgot?”

“They were _not_ dates,” Dan replied, glaring up at Phil. Phil didn’t know whether to be glad that Dan was actually looking at him, or worried about the anger behind his eyes.

“That’s not how I meant it, Dan,” Phil said, forcing himself to calm down. “I just meant, we’ve had this certain time and day set out for Starbucks for months, and you never forgot before.”

“Well, things happen.”

“What?” Phil asked. “What happened? I see you were playing Mario Kart,” he said, motioning to the TV which had the game paused. “Is that the thing that happened that caused you to forget?”

“No. Just stuff. Life.”

“Life? What’s that even mean?”

“Phil, why are you getting so upset?” Dan asked, standing back up so he was eye level with Phil. “It’s not that big of a deal!”

“It’s a big deal because you’re lying to me!”

“I’m not!”

“Yes, you are! But, I guess you’re used to that, aren’t you? It’s what you do to yourself everyday.”

Phil knew he shouldn’t have said it the second it came out of his mouth. The look on Dan’s face was a mix of rage and betrayal.

“Get out,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Not until you tell me the truth!”

“I am!”

“You’re not!”

“You know,” Dan said, coming closer to Phil, “This week in church, my pastor said that sometimes Satan brings people into your life just to trick you. He brings people into your life to try and lead you astray.”

Phil’s eyes widened. “You think- You think I’m here because of _satan?_ Wow, I don’t know whether to be insulted or flattered!”

“You need to get out!” Dan repeated, louder this time.

Phil raised his hands in surrender. “Fine. Fine, I’ll leave.” He walked over to the door, but stopped before letting himself out.

“If all of this is just to try and run away from who you are,” he said, turning back to Dan. “It’s not going to work. You know, I remember a video I watched of yours where you said some Bible verse that said everyone was fearfully and wonderfully made. Maybe you should try and remember that instead of all the other things you let fill your head.”

When Dan’s only response was to stare down at the floor, Phil left.

Each step Dan took toward the door to lock it became a little harder.

His breaths started to come out in short gasps as tears filled in his eyes, blurring his vision. Feeling unable to walk, Dan sunk down at his front door, pulling his knees close to his chest.

He dug the palms of his hands into his eyes as his chest heaved. As he cried, he prayed that Phil was gone, that his neighbors were gone, so no one could hear him.

He prayed, and he cried, and he prayed some more, hoping for a relief that just wouldn’t come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am overwhelmed by the kind words you all left on the last chapter. Thank you so much!  
> I know some of this may seem like a bit much sometimes, but it is actually based off of stories from my old church. A lot of these things actually happened to me, my family, or people close to us. 
> 
> Thank you again!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	5. Accepting

_ “Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;” _

 

_ “Cleanliness is next to Godliness. That’s what you have to remember. You need to cleanse your body, mind, and spirit. You must wash away the sinful thoughts inside your mind, and clean your body from the dirty touch you desire. God will take away these sinful desires that plague your mind, if you believe enough. If the thoughts don’t go away, you only have yourself to blame. Do you understand?” _

 

Dan hadn’t eaten in three days. Every time he tried, just looking at the food would make him nauseous. 

Sleeping didn’t come easily anymore either. He found himself wide awake at two o’clock in the morning, staring up at the ceiling, fighting endless battles in his mind.

He wasn’t able to focus on his devotions. The words would turn into blurs. He’d read over the same paragraph four times before giving up, slamming the book closed, and setting it aside.

He hadn’t filmed during his last hiatus, so he didn’t have very many videos prepared to post. He knew he still needed to vlog so he could edit and upload a video for the next day.

He didn’t bother to get dressed before turning on his camera, leaving on the white jumper and jeans he’d been in since Phil had come over.

He did, however, put on a smile. That was something he knew how to do well. The second the camera started recording, he was ready to go.

“Hello, internet! I know I’ve been going out almost every day for these vlogs, visiting around London so I can learn everything better, but today I’m staying inside.”

He moved over to his couch and sat down. “Sometimes it’s nice to have a day spent at home. We can spend the day cleaning the house, or preparing meals for the week, or just relaxing and reading God’s word. I think I’m going to do all three today, so I’ll see you guys in a bit!”

He turned off the camera, dropping his smile as he got up to go get the cleaning supplies. 

 

Once he had started cleaning his kitchen, he turned the camera back on. “So, I don’t know how much of this any of you will actually care to see. I’m currently cleaning all of the cabinets. It’s nice to get everything spotless now and again. Anyway, I’ll probably just set my camera up in a corner somewhere, and then make this a really fast cleaning montage in three, two, one!”

He set up his camera in the kitchen, then got to work. He cleaned every cabinet, the countertops, the fridge, threw away any old food he had, swept and mopped the floor, then headed to the next room.

He didn’t film himself cleaning the entire house. He’d take tiny clips, trying to make it look as interesting as possible.

When his entire house was spotless, the thick smell of cleaning supplies and bleach drifting through every corner, he went back to the kitchen to start some food.

“I’m not the healthiest eater in the world,” he said to the camera. “I do try though. So, I’m going to make some chicken with mixed vegetables and brown rice. I’ll make enough for a few days just so I have it and I won’t have to cook later.

As he cooked, the smell of the seasoning packet made him want to puke. He held it together for the camera, making it appear as though he couldn’t wait for the food to be done.

 

When the food had finished, he made himself a plate to eat. He sat down on the couch and turned the camera on. “Alright guys, I’m going to eat now. I’ll let you know how it tastes when I’m done. I’d leave the camera on while I was eating, but I definitely don’t think that’s something you want to see!”

He laughed until the red light stopped flashing, then he put the camera on the coffee table and stared at his plate.

He took a deep breath, then closed his eyes to pray.

As he prayed, he felt his eyelashes becoming wet. The simple act of thanking God for his food was making him cry.

He ended his prayer quickly, wiping his eyes before opening them. 

He picked up his fork and took a bite of the chicken. He chewed slowly, wanting nothing more than to spit the food out.

He forced himself to swallow the bite. Once it was down, he ate another piece. And then one more.

That’s all he could get down. He felt like he was going to be sick. One of his favorite go-to meals now made him want to throw up.

He got up and dumped the food into the trash, then walked back over to his camera and started recording.

“Just finished eating. It was really good, actually. Not to brag, but I think I’m a pretty good cook. Um, now I’m just going to spend some time reading the Bible and doing a couple devotions. It’s already starting to get dark outside. I guess I spent most of the day cleaning. Anyway, this was just a day inside for me. Not much going on. Thanks for watching and I’ll see you all tomorrow!”

 

He knew the video was ridiculous when he edited it. It was pointless. He hadn’t really done anything worth watching.

He couldn’t find it in him to care.

He posted the video the next day, then waited a while before reading the comments.

 

_ He didn’t say a Bible verse! That’s weird. _

_ Wonder if something’s up. _

_ You guys are all CRAZY it was GREAT! _

_ Someone’s running out of ideas… _

_ WHERE WAS THE VERSE FOR THE DAY???? _

_ Why’d you clean a house that already looked spotless? _

_ That reminds me I need to clean ughhhhhhhhhh _

_ VERSE VERSE VERSE! _

 

He shut his laptop down, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He couldn’t believe he forgot to do the main part of his video. He always said a verse to his audience. 

He got on his phone and opened the Twitter app.

_ I’ve been busy for a few days and forgot the most important part of my videos! Sorry guys! Here’s a short but important verse for you: _

He sent out the tweet, then prepared the next one.

_ John 11:35 says, “Jesus wept.” _

As he closed out the app and put his phone down, he curled up tight on the couch. 

His video wasn’t good. He forgot to add the verse at the end. His schedule was completely messed up. No matter how much he cleaned, everything seemed dirty. Everything he had been working for, for years, was falling apart. No matter how much he prayed, the thoughts didn’t go away. When he would doze off, the thoughts and desires would come to him in dreams. He didn’t feel good. He didn’t feel safe. He was scared, and hurting, and alone.

He hadn't felt alone in a long time.

He always had God, even when he had no earthly presence around.

But, right now, he felt alone.

His bottom lip trembled. He folded his arms around his knees and dropped his head down, crying until he ran out of tears.

 

Phil felt lost. It had been three weeks now since he left Dan’s apartment. He regretted his choice of words every single day.

He wanted to text Dan. He had written out so many messages, and then erased them instead of pressing send.

He didn’t expect Dan to come to him first. He knew that would probably never happen. He’d have to be the one to take the first step.

It shouldn’t bother him this much, he realized. Dan had basically told him he was one of satan’s minions, brought to earth to destroy Dan. Phil should be mad.

He was mad.

He was heartbroken for Dan. Heartbroken for a man who had never been allowed to be himself. Heartbroken for a man who was so terrified of who he was, he’d rather bash it to a public audience rather than just accept himself.

So, yes, Phil was mad, he just wasn’t mad at Dan.

He had gotten so used to talking to Dan, to texting him, that he didn’t even know what to do when something ridiculous would happen to him.

For a split second he’d think,  _ I have to text this to Dan, _ then he’d remember that he couldn’t.

This wasn’t something that could be fixed as easily as almost kissing someone. This isn’t something that could just be slipped under the rug. They’d have to talk about it sometime. Or they would just have to stop being friends.

Phil really hoped they wouldn’t stop being friends.

He got up off of his couch, knowing Louise would be at the door any second. She had called him the day before, saying she was going to come over and film a video.

He tried to tell her no, but she wouldn’t accept that. She knew he had been in a slump of some sort, and she was going to come over and help him out of it, no matter what.

He didn’t have the energy to argue.

Just as he predicted, she knocked on the door. He opened it a few seconds later, and was greeted by her smiling face.

“Hey, Phil! Long time no see!”

“Hey, Louise.”

She came inside, carrying her camera with her. When they got to the living room, she set it down on the coffee table then took a seat.

“Want a drink?” Phil asked.

“Nah, not right now. Maybe in a bit. Come, sit!”

Phil sat down on the couch. “How have you been?”

“I’m fine. Tell me about you.”

“Wow. Subtle, Louise.”

She glared at him. “You know I don’t beat around the bush. What’s been wrong? You’ve barely been on Twitter, you reply to me even less than usual, and you’ve only put up one video in the last three weeks.”

“I’ve done that before!”

“Not lately. You’ve been updating each week for the last few months. Now, nothing.”

Phil sighed. “Just some trouble back home, that’s all.”

“Oh my God! Has someone died?”

“What?! No!”

“Are they ill?”

Phil shook his head. “No, nothing like that. Just an old friend has been upset and it bothered me.”

“Oh. What’s the matter with them?”

“I’m not exactly sure they’d want me to gossip about them, Louise.”

“Phil, I don’t even know them!” She replied. “It’s obviously bothering you a lot. Just tell me enough so maybe I can help you out.”

Phil sighed. “They just… They didn’t have the greatest life growing up, I don’t think. Everyone always told them they needed to be a certain way and, no matter what, they can never be that way. No matter how hard they try, they can’t be that way. They don’t realize that though, and they’re trying really hard to be that way, but it’s just not going to work, and I don’t know how to tell them that. I tried to tell them that, but they got very angry with me, and now we haven’t spoken to each other for weeks, and I’d really like to speak to them and tell them that they’re okay just the way they are and they don’t need to be who everyone else keeps telling them they need to be.” He took a deep breath as he finished his explanation, then looked over at Louise, who had her mouth hanging open slightly in confusion.

“I’m not… I’m not exactly sure if I understood a quarter of that, Phil. Do you want to repeat it?”

Phil rubbed his tired eyes and shook his head. “No. No, it’s fine. It’ll be fine.”

“Alright. If you’re sure.”

“I am.”

“Okay… Would you like to film now? It might help ease your mind.”

Phil nodded. “Yeah, sure. I’ll go get the tripod.”

 

Everything was messed up. Nothing was the way it was supposed to be. No matter what he did, no matter how much he prayed, nothing had changed.

_ Why hasn't anything changed? _

He had tried so hard. He had done everything he could think of.

His entire schedule was off. Years of a perfect schedule was thrown out the window. Years of making sure that every moment, from the time he woke up to the time he fell asleep, was planned. Years of knowing exactly what was going to happen from one minute to the next.

He thrived on that. That’s how he survived the day to day. That’s how he got through his life.

And it was gone now. All of it.

He was sleeping in the middle of the day, and only for a couple of hours at a time. He was eating just enough to get by. 

Sometimes, he’d go days without a shower, and other times he’d spend hours scrubbing at his skin. He was desperate for some sort of relief. Desperate for the cleanliness that he needed. If he couldn’t clean his mind, he could clean his body, even if it made him bleed.  Because, for a few moments, the blood would make him think about something other than the thoughts in his head. For a few moments he’d have something else to focus on. He could just watch as the blood mixed with the water, dropped into his white tub, and washed down the drain. 

He’d scrub at his arms, legs, stomach, back, neck, anything he could reach. He’d let the red, raw skin heal up for a few days before doing it again, but it never really healed.

He never healed.

Because he couldn’t.

No matter what he did. No matter how hard he prayed. No matter how much of the Bible he read. Nothing worked.

The life he had constructed for himself for years now was just gone. The whole thing, demolished. 

He was empty.

He had changed to updating his channel once a week at this point. It was the most he could manage. He said on Twitter that he wanted to focus more on God’s word instead of making sure a video was posted on a daily basis.

People bought it. They loved the idea, actually. They told him how wonderful he was to be so dedicated to God.

It made him want to throw up.

He laid on his bed, his eyes red and puffy. He’d been crying for awhile now. He wasn’t exactly sure how long. 

All he knew is that he was tired, and he didn’t know how much longer he could do this.

He didn’t have anyone to talk to. He had already lied to his parents twice on the phone, telling them he was fine and really wanted to immerse himself in the Bible. They were proud of him. He hated that.

He didn’t have any friends. He was never a social butterfly. He had eight contacts in his phone. His parents, two grandparents, his brother, two managers, and Phil. That was it. 

He couldn’t call his pastor. He couldn’t handle the judgments that he knew would come once he explained the situation. He had heard it all before. He had heard it for years. He recited it to himself every day.

But, he just couldn’t do this anymore.

And that thought terrified him. 

So, he picked up his phone and called the only person he could.

It rang, and rang, and rang, and no one answered. Dan’s heart sunk as Phil’s voicemail picked up.

Gasping for breath at this point, he started talking the second he heard the beep. “Ph- Phil, please come o- over. Please, I’m s- sorry. I don’t… I don’t know w- what to do. Just, please c- come over.”

He hung up the phone and curled up tighter on the bed, shivering even though he was bundled up under the covers.

 

“Alright, I think we’ve got it all,” Louise said, getting up and turning the camera off. “Thank you for pretending to have a good time.”

“I tried,” Phil defended weakly.

“I know. I’m being sincere, Phil.” She took her camera off the tripod and put it away. “I need to use the loo,” she said, heading off to the bathroom.

Phil walked over to the coffee table and picked up his phone. He had put it on silent before they started filming, not wanting it to go off in the middle of the story they were telling.

His heart started racing the second he saw there was a missed call and voicemail from Dan, left fifteen minutes ago.

He quickly opened his phone and played the voicemail.

“Louise!” He yelled once it was over, grabbing his keys and wallet.

“Yeah?” She called back.

“I have to go! Let yourself out, okay? Do you have my spare key on you?”

“Yeah, I do.” She exited the bathroom and headed back to the living room. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m not sure, I just have to go.”

“Let me know if-”

He was out the door before she could finish her sentence.

 

Twenty minutes later, Phil was pounding on Dan’s door. “Dan! Dan, come on! It’s Phil!”

He waited for the sound of someone coming to the door, then continued knocking when there was no response.

“Please, Dan!”

He was about to risk breaking his leg trying to bust the door down when he remembered that Dan left his key above his neighbor’s door. He ran over to the door and felt up top for the key. Once he found it, he quickly unlocked Dan’s door and went inside.

He was absolutely terrified, trying not to think about what he might find.

“Dan?” He called out, looking around the living room and kitchen first. When he saw Dan wasn’t there, he continued down the hall. “Dan?” He called again.

When he reached a cracked door, he took a deep breath before swinging it open.

Bundled up under the covers, in a room only lit by a dim lamp, was Dan. Only his head could be seen, his eyes closed, but he wasn’t asleep. He was hyperventilating, trying to calm himself down, but unable to take anything besides short, sharp breaths.

“Dan,” Phil said, feeling both relieved and worried at the same time. “Dan, it’s Phil.” He approached the bed slowly as Dan opened his eyes.

Dan’s bottom lip trembled as he stared at Phil. “I’m sorry,” he managed to get out, his voice breaking.

“Hey, no, don’t be sorry,” Phil replied. He walked around Dan’s bed, climbing into the other side. He tugged on Dan’s shoulder, making him turn over. 

With Phil leaning back against the headboard, Dan didn’t hesitate to put his head on Phil’s lap. “I’m br- broken,” he said, shaking so hard it made the whole bed move.

“No, no you’re not,” Phil replied, running one hand through Dan’s hair while the other rubbed over his back. “You are not broken.”

“I don’t… I don’t believe enough.”

“You believe more than anyone I know, Dan.”

“But it’s not… it’s not enough. I’m messed up.”

“Dan, listen to me, please. You are not messed up. You are not broken. You are exactly who you’re supposed to be.”

“But… But-”

“Dan,” Phil interrupted. “I never want to cut you off, but I need you to just breathe right now, okay? Just focus on breathing or you’re going to get sick or pass out.”

Dan seemed to listen, closing his eyes again, trying to take a real breath.

“Just in and out,” Phil said, breathing through his nose slowly so Dan could hear and try to match him. “In and out.”

Phil continued running a hand through Dan’s hair, keeping his other hand to Dan’s back, although he stilled the rubbing motion. 

“There you go,” he said once Dan’s breaths evened out. “Does that feel better?”

“I’m tired,” Dan said, his voice so quiet it was almost a whisper. Tears were still falling from his eyes, running over his nose and down the side of his face due to the way he was laying. He didn’t care though. He had stopped trying to wipe the tears away days ago.

“Go to sleep,” Phil whispered. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

The combination of exhaustion from weeks without proper rest, crying almost non-stop for hours, and Phil rubbing his head made it impossible for him to protest. He sunk further into Phil’s touch and, within a minute, he was asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are really so kind, I can't begin to thank you enough! Your words leave me excited to write more. Even when the story gets to difficult topics, I know it's important to share. Because I've seen things like this happen, and I know they're still happening.
> 
> Again, thank you!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	6. Taking

_ “Taking, as he did, the sinful world as it is,  _

_ not as I would have it;” _

 

When Dan woke up, he felt groggy. His eyes felt like he had been swimming for an entire day, and his body didn’t feel much better.

He also felt an extreme need to pee. As he sat up, he looked at the time to see it was eleven o’clock in the morning. Apparently, he had slept for nearly sixteen hours.

That explained the need to pee.

He got up, crossing from his room into the bathroom.

It wasn’t until he was done that he noticed a smell coming from the kitchen.

It smelled like… like pancakes, and bacon.

Curious, he made his way to the kitchen, hoping his mom hadn’t snuck in while he was asleep.

“Hello?”

“Oh, you’re awake!” A cheery Phil replied as Dan turned into the kitchen. 

Because Phil was there.

Phil had come the day before.

How did Dan forget that?

“I didn’t wake you, did I?” Phil asked, flipping a pancake over.

Dan shook his head. “No. No, you didn’t. What are you doing here, Phil?”

Phil looked over at Dan. “I came yesterday. Do you remember?” He looked genuinely concerned.

“Yeah, I remember. But… did you just wait here the entire time I slept?”

“Well, I played some games on my phone until it got dark out, then I ended up falling asleep too. You move a lot in your sleep, did you know that?”

Dan shook his head, still a bit out of it.

“You do. You moved off of me sometime around seven, I think? Then, I came out here. I figured you’d wake up soon enough, so I started making food. If you didn’t wake up, I’d reheat it later for you, but you’re awake, so… Yay!”

Dan took a deep breath, trying to process everything. “Okay. Do you… Do you need help with anything?”

“No, I’ve got it. You can relax. I made some coffee about twenty minutes ago. Should still be hot, if you want a cup.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Dan went to grab a cup from his cupboard when Phil stopped him. 

“No, I said I’ve got it,” he said, shooing Dan from the room. “You go sit.”

“You don’t know how I like my coffee!” Dan whined.

“We’ve gone to Starbucks a million times!”

“I get fancy coffees there.”

“I’ll figure it out. Now go.”

Dan sighed and rolled his eyes, but left the room to go sit on the couch.

Within a couple of minutes, Phil was bringing his coffee. 

“Thank you,” Dan said, taking the cup from him.

Phil smiled, but didn’t leave.

“What?” Dan asked.

“I’m staying until you taste it.”

“Phil-”

“No, I have to know if I got it right.”

“So you can gloat?”

“Of course.”

Dan glared at him, but took a sip. He hated to admit it, but it was exactly how he liked it. “How did you-”

Phil pointed to his head. “Psychic.”

“Sure. Now go away.”

Phil laughed. “Breakfast will be ready in ten minutes.”

 

Ten minutes later, Phil was coming into the room with two plates. 

“Here you go,” he said, handing one to Dan.

“Thanks. You really didn’t have to do this.”

“I know, but I wanted to,” he replied, sitting at the other end of the couch. “Do you usually watch TV while you eat, or did you want to talk?”

The last thing Dan felt like doing right now was talking. “I watch documentaries on Netflix a lot. The one I’m watching right now might be kind of boring to you though.”

“What’s it about?”

“How global warming is affecting bees.”

“You believe in global warming?” Phil asked, his head slightly cocked to the side. If he didn’t look so ridiculously innocent, Dan might’ve been annoyed.

“I’m a Christian, Phil, not an idiot,” he replied with a smile.

Phil laughed. “Good to know. Anyway, that sounds interesting to me. Let’s watch it.”

Dan turned on the TV, and they spent the next half hour eating and watching the rest of the documentary. Once it was over, Phil got up and took both of their plates.

“I can clean my own plate, Phil.”

“I know you can, but you’re not going to!” He replied.

 

After being threatened by Phil to not help clean the kitchen, Dan found himself relaxing into the couch, closing his eyes. His brain wasn’t tired, but his eyes were. 

He didn’t reopen them until he felt a dip at the other end of the couch. Phil was sitting again, and now he was just looking at Dan.

“What is it?” Dan asked.

“I need to ask you something,” Phil replied, looking nervous.

Dan sat up straighter. “What?”

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, and please don’t get mad, because I don’t want you to-”

“Phil!” Dan interrupted. “What is your question?”

“After you fell asleep, I saw how raw the back of your neck looked. And when you moved one of the times, your sleeve rolled up a little bit and it was just as bad on your arm. I was just wondering what that was?”

Dan curled his legs up close to his chest on instinct, pulling his sleeves down until they were over his hands.

He crossed his arms, looking away from Phil to stare at a spot on the couch instead. 

“You don’t have to answer,” Phil repeated. “It just worried me.”

“It’s- It’s nothing, really,” Dan said, wishing tears would stop stinging his eyes.

“It doesn’t look like nothing, Dan.”

“It’s just a nervous habit.”

“That’s your nervous habit?” Phil asked. “God, I thought biting the inside of my cheeks was bad.”

“It’ll heal up fast,” Dan responded, clearing his throat. “It always does.”

Phil nodded. “Can I ask you one other thing?”

“Do I have to answer?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

“When did that habit start?”

Dan thought for a moment. “I was sixteen, I think.”

Phil had so many more questions, but he had told Dan that was his last one. It wouldn’t be fair to continue asking him stuff that he may not want to talk about.

“Okay,” Phil replied simply.

The sat there silently for a few seconds, until Dan stretched his leg out and poked Phil in the thigh to get his attention.

“You don’t have to stay,” Dan said once Phil was looking at him. “You’ve been here a long time.”

“Oh, no. I’m staying,” Phil replied. “I had a friend bring over some of my stuff while you were asleep.” He pointed over to the front door. Dan turned to look at where Phil was pointing, surprised by the two bags that were by the door. He hadn’t even noticed them before. 

He looked back at Phil, “What do you mean, Phil?”

“I’m staying until you’re all healed up,” he said, and he wasn’t asking.

“Phil, no.”

“Dan, yes. You said you heal fast, so I won’t have to be here that long. A few days. But, until then, I’m here.”

“I could kick you out, you know.”

“Are you going to kick me out?” Phil asked. He didn’t seem worried.

Dan sighed. “I need to go shower,” he said, getting up off the couch.

“I’ll be here when you’re done!” Phil exclaimed, smiling when Dan groaned.

 

That night at dinner, which Dan demanded they order take out for instead of having Phil cook again, they sat at Dan’s small table. Phil set out all of the Chinese food while Dan got them plates, forks, and napkins.

Once they both had their plates full, Dan closed his eyes to pray.

When he opened them, he was surprised to see Phil with his head slightly bowed and his eyes closed.

“What are you doing?” Dan asked.

Phil held up a finger, keeping it there until he was finished. “I was praying,” he said, opening his eyes and picking up his fork.

“You don’t believe in God.”

“You don’t know that,” Phil replied.

“Well, do you?”

Phil took a deep breath. “Not really. But, that doesn’t matter to him, does it? If he  _ is  _ out there, he heard me, right?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, he heard you.”

“Okay then.”

Dan took a bite of his food, staring at Phil the entire time he chewed. Once he swallowed the bite, he put his fork down. “What did you pray about?” he asked.

“I can’t tell you! It won’t come true!”

“Phil!” Dan laughed. “A prayer is not the same as a wish. You can tell what you prayed for.”

“Still,” Phil shrugged. “That’s between us,” he said, pointing from him up to the sky.

Dan sighed. “Whatever.”

 

It was his second night at the house, and the couch was pretty comfy, but Phil was finding it difficult to fall asleep.

He could hear Dan in his room, pacing back and forth. 

They had spent the last couple of days taking things easy. They didn’t have any deep conversations, instead playing Mario Kart and watching documentaries. 

It had been nice. Fun, actually. But, there were still things bothering Dan. Those things weren’t just going to go away.

Phil knew he needed to get up and ask what was wrong, so that’s what he did.

He stood at Dan’s door, listening for a moment before lightly tapping on it.

The pacing stopped. “Is that you, Phil?” Dan asked, whispering in case he was just hearing things.

‘Yeah, it’s me. Can I come in?”

A few seconds later, Dan was opening the door. “Is something wrong?”

“That’s what I was going to ask you,” Phil replied.

“Oh.” Dan moved away from the door and sat down on his bed. “Was I keeping you up? Sometimes I forget how loud the floors can be.”

“No, it’s fine,” Phil replied, leaning against the doorframe. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Oh, I’m fine. Yeah, I’m fine,” Dan said, nodding a bit too hard. Phil could see his eyes were glossed over, like he had been crying for a while.

“Dan, you really can talk to me. I know I was kind of a jerk a few weeks ago, and I’m sorry for that, but I’m here and I’m willing to listen. I won’t even say anything back if you want.”

Dan looked at him, staring into his eyes as if he were contemplating what to do. “You weren’t a jerk,” he finally said.

“Yeah, I kind of was.”

“No, you were… You were right, I think." Dan started to fidget with his hands, looking down at the floor instead of at Phil. "I have, um, I have been able to hide myself for nearly ten years. Until you.”

Phil slowly walked over to the bed, sitting down beside Dan, but far enough away so they weren’t touching.

“What do you mean?” Phil asked gently.

“When I was fourteen,” Dan started, “I was looking some things up online on the family computer. My parents got home early from Bible study that night, so I hurried up and closed out all the tabs. I figured it was fine, I could delete the history the next day. I thought they never looked at that anyway. I didn’t even think they knew how to get to the history.”

Dan stood up, pacing as he became nervous at the memory. “But, my mum found it the next morning. She called me downstairs before church. She saw that I had been looking up the Bible and being gay and what it all meant. She saw that the websites I chose were ones that made being gay okay. They explained the verses in a way that was different from what our church said. I started therapy with the pastor that week.”

“Dan...” Phil's voice trailed off. He didn't even know what to say. 

“I went once a week from fourteen to sixteen. He never did anything to me, physically or whatever. I’d heard stories online that some pastors have. He just… every week it was drilled into my head over and over again. How bad it was. How sinful. I’d have homework to go over each week, Bible verses to write.”

Dan stopped pacing long enough to stare out his window. It was pitch black outside, but the London lights lit everything up. He sighed, then turned back to Phil. “I stopped going at sixteen. My mum decided I had recovered. But, a few months later I started having thoughts again. Thoughts I wasn’t supposed to have. So, that’s when I started scrubbing at my skin.”

He pulled up a sleeve and stared down at the arm. Bright red, but healing from a few days of relief. “I had been told so many times that I needed to cleanse my body. That I needed to wash away any sinful thoughts. I guess I took it literally.”

“Dan, you don’t have to keep talking if you don’t want to,” Phil said. He was glad Dan was opening up, but he knew it must be hard for him.

Dan shook his head. “No, I’m okay.” He pulled his sleeve down and started to pace again. “I heard about YouTube when I was seventeen. I heard some kids at my school talking about it. I ended up sneaking onto the computer while my parents were away on a vacation. I watched a lot of videos. I watched, um, I watched you a lot,” he said, turning away from Phil so he couldn’t see his face.

“I started a Twitter, actually,” he added with a laugh. “I would write you. I’d write a few different people, but I’d write to you a lot.”

“Are you serious?” Phil asked. He couldn’t believe they had a connection that went back that far.

Dan turned back to him. “Yeah. I liked you,” he said, trying not to blush. “I, um, I got really confident over the couple of weeks that my parents were gone. I’d just write what I was feeling or thinking on my Twitter. I guess someone who knew my parents found it though, I don’t know how, but when they got home they already knew everything I had written on it before I could delete it. And, when I say I got confident, I mean I got flirty. I was trying to get you to notice me anyway I could.”

“Oh, God,” Phil said, knowing this couldn’t end well.

“Therapy, twice a week, until I was nineteen.”

“Dan, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” he said, sitting back down on the bed. “I hated therapy, though. I hated it so much. He scared me. Terrified me. I knew I was headed to hell, and every session was a reminder of that. So, I started making my own videos and posting them online. They were everything that made my parents happy. They said everything that needed to be said. ‘Daniel Howell’ believed everything my parents believed, and then I got to stop going to therapy again.”

“We’re you not just able to leave?” Phil asked. “Once you were eighteen, I mean.”

“I had no job, no money saved up. Any work I’d try to get, my parents would tell me to turn it down for one reason or another. Eventually, YouTube became my job, and that made them happy. By the time I was financially stable enough to leave, I had begun to believe the words I was saying. I had just… I had heard it from my parents, from my church, from my school, and then from myself. It was easier to go online and bash the things I feared instead of just owning up to it.” Dan shook his head, “I’m such a coward.”

“Hey, no you’re not,” Phil replied immediately, moving closer to Dan but still staying away from any physical contact. “You are not a coward. You did what you had to do to survive. You were trained to think a certain way, you can’t blame yourself for being too scared to think anything else.”

Dan sighed, rubbing his eyes. “It’s just, I- I had built a perfect wall around myself. A perfect, indestructible wall. Then you came along. This teenage crush I had stared me right in the face and then wouldn't go away,” he said, looking over at Phil. He didn’t look upset. His eyes were soft, tired. “You came along and the wall just crumbled.”

Phil tentatively put an arm on Dan’s back, resting it there when Dan didn’t move away. “Maybe the wall was never supposed to be there,” he said. “Maybe it’s time to just be yourself, without all the fear.”

“I’m not sure I know how to do that.”

“Well, however long it may take to figure it out, you won’t have to do it alone.”

Dan smiled softly then, to Phil’s surprise, he leaned over, resting his head on Phil’s shoulder.

“Thank you,” Dan whispered.

“Don’t mention it.”

 

A few more days passed, spent watching more TV and playing more Mario Kart. Dan’s skin healed until there was barely any sign that anything had been wrong in the first place.

“I guess I better get home,” Phil said one day after breakfast. “My plants haven’t been watered in almost a week.”

“They must be thirsty,” Dan replied, hiding the sadness he felt at Phil leaving.

“They’ve been through worse, honestly. I’m sure you’re sick of me though.”

“Oh, yeah, totally. Can’t wait for you to go. I’m thinking about having a party, actually.”

Phil laughed. “Shut up.”

 

Once they cleaned the kitchen, Phil gathered his things.

“You are going to wash all your clothes when you get home, right?” Dan asked.

“Of course I am.”

“And you’ll iron what needs ironed?”

“I will now,” Phil replied, smiling.

Dan shook his head. “You’re hopeless, Phil.”

“I keep you on your toes.”

They walked over to the door, then Phil turned back to Dan. “Starbucks this week?”

“Actually, um, would you- would you like to go to dinner?”

Phil nodded, barely stopping himself from squealing. “Yes, I’d like that.”

“Okay. My treat this time, remember?”

“Yeah, I remember. I’ll see ya, Dan.”

“Bye, Phil.”

When Phil had left, Dan closed the door and stared into his apartment. 

It was too quiet, but he was smiling anyway. He walked over to the TV and turned it on before any thoughts could start crowding his mind.

 

“You really liked that restaurant, didn’t you?” Phil asked as they reached Dan’s apartment door.

“I did,” Dan replied. “I think we needed a do-over anyway.”

“We had a good time the first time we went there,” Phil said.

“Yeah,” Dan agreed. “But I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do.”

“What do you mean?”

Dan smiled. He ignored his shaky hand as he reached up and cupped Phil’s cheek. He rubbed his thumb back and forth a couple of times before leaning forward and giving Phil a gentle kiss.

It only lasted a few seconds, and it was as innocent as a kiss could possibly be, but it was enough.

Their foreheads rested against each other once the kiss ended, both of their chests heaving slightly. 

“Are you okay?” Phil whispered.

“I’m terrified,” Dan admitted.

“Should I stay?”

“I’ll be okay,” Dan replied, moving his hand from Phil’s face and lifting his head up. “Thank you though.”

Phil smiled. He reached over and took Dan’s hand, squeezing it lightly. “I had fun. Thank you, Dan.”

“Goodnight, Phil.”

“Goodnight.”

 

Once Dan was inside, he took a few deep breaths. His heart was pounding, and his mind was beginning to fill with the words his parents, pastor, and peers had drilled into him.

It was then that his phone buzzed in his pocket. He took it out, opening it to see Phil had texted him. 

_ ‘Don’t be scared, and don’t hurt yourself. If you think you are, call me.’ _

Dan bit at his bottom lip. Phil knew him too well.  _ ‘I’ll really be okay. It’s just a big deal for me.’ _

_ ‘I know,’  _ Phil responded.  _ ‘I had a wonderful time tonight though. I hope we can do it again soon.’ _

Dan walked over to his couch and sat down.  _ ‘We will. I had a good time too.’ _

The typing bubble popped up, then disappeared, then popped up again.  _ ‘Are you happy?’ _

Dan thought for a moment. It was an odd question, but then again, Phil was odd.  _ ‘I think I am,’  _ Dan wrote.

_ ‘Good. I am too.’  _

Dan thought the conversation would end there, but not even a minute later, another text came through.

_ ‘Now can I tell you about the man who’s currently singing to every person on the tube and I’m terrified he’s going to come to me next?’ _

Dan laughed, sinking further into the couch, excited to hear the story. 

_ ‘Every detail.’ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two more chapters! I'm going to be so sad when this is finished.   
> Thank you all for the wonderful comments. I'm glad to be able to share this story with you all!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	7. Trusting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's long! Get a snack and a drink before diving in!

_“Trusting that He will make all things right_

_if I surrender to His will;”_

 

“I hate vlogging.”

Phil looked up from his cup. They had just finished a conversation on how much cream was too much cream in coffee, so he was not expecting that to be the next thing out of Dan’s mouth.

“What?”

“I hate it. I hate it so much.”

“I’m not sure-”

“I mean, how do people find enjoyment just shoving a camera in their face all day, every day?” Dan asked, and by the look on his face, he wasn’t close to being finished with this rant. “I mean, first of all, everyone looks at you like you’re an idiot. And, honestly, I do look like an idiot! I have my arm up with a stupid camera, bumping into people while I film. And, I mean, how do people find it interesting? I spent months, _months,_ just wandering around London with the stupid camera basically attached to my face and I realized I still have no idea where anything is because I was too busy staring into a lens! And it was always a way for my parents to watch me, all the time. When I wasn’t with them, the camera was there, taking in every move I made so they were with me even when they weren’t _with_ me.”

Dan sighed, leaning back in his chair.

“Feel better?” Phil asked.

“A little bit,” Dan replied, crossing his arms.

Phil picked up his cup, taking a sip of coffee before continuing the conversation. “Didn’t you encourage me to vlog by saying it was fun or something?”

“Yeah, well, I’ve said a lot of things that aren’t true,” Dan replied. Phil couldn’t help but smile at his bitter tone. He almost sounded like a child.

“Are you going to stop vlogging then?”

“I’ve already stopped doing it every day. It would be fine to do like once every few months, or once a year, or maybe once a decade.”

“So?”

“So, I might stop soon. I like making videos, so I’d still want to do that. Just…”

“Just not vlogging?”

“Yeah, not vlogging.”

 

It turns out that Dan’s confession of hating vlogging was only the start of a multitude of confessions.

He hated going to bed so early.

He hated waking up so early.

He hated his schedule, it made him feel like a kid in school.

He hated the devotional he was reading right now. He liked devotions, but this one was so boring. His dad recommended it, so he felt he had to read it.

He didn’t understand half of the things in the King James Version Bible. He’d read through the entire Bible multiple times, but he still only gets maybe three percent of what’s actually going on. The other approved versions of the Bible that he has aren’t much better.

He hated that his parents would just show up unannounced. Once they arrived while he was in the shower, and he knows they looked through his entire bedroom because he keeps things a certain way and a candle on his dresser was slightly to the left of where he kept it.

He hated the idea of going to church because he knew the harmful things the pastor would say.

But he hated the idea of not going to church, because his faith was important to him.

And he hated that his faith was important to him because he felt so betrayed by everything his religion had brought him up to think and feel.

He hated that his wardrobe had five different white, button-up shirts because he hated white, button-up shirts.

He hated that he still worried about kissing Phil, because a boy kissing a boy was wrong and that still rang through his head whenever he thought about kissing him.

Also, he _really_ wanted to watch Harry Potter.

Needless to say, it was a long day at Starbucks.

 

Dan and Phil loved being around each other. They’d often find excuses to be with the other person. Phil would need someone to play Mario Kart with, or Dan would need help learning the city.

Phil also introduced Dan to a few other games, promising to only bring the ones that were safe for all ages.

They hadn’t kissed after that one night. Phil never wanted to pressure Dan, knowing that it would be a long and slow process of Dan truly coming to terms with everything. Dan was grateful for that.

Phil just enjoyed being around him. He enjoyed talking to him. They never ran out of things to talk about. He enjoyed watching TV with him, walking around London, going out to eat, texting, talking on the phone, and the Facetime conversations in the middle of the night.

He was pretty sure Dan felt the same way, as he had began to stick out his bottom lip in a pout every time Phil would leave him. It was nearly enough to make Phil stay forever but he had plants to tend to and videos to make.

 

Because they don’t stay holed up in Dan’s flat all the time, people saw them in public. People recognized them and, while they never said anything to their face, they posted pictures online.

And the people online were more than willing to say the things that no one would say to their face.

Phil’s fans were upset because Dan was a rude, Christian vlogger who made hate-filled videos for the world to watch.

Dan’s fans were upset because Phil wasn’t a Christian, and some of his videos contained PG-13 material, and many of his fans were part of the LGBT community.

Both sets of fans were upset because neither Dan nor Phil would talk about it. They both ignored any of the comments that mentioned the other person. They never answered questions about it. They both acted like it didn’t even exist.

But that didn’t stop Phil fans from worrying that he was going to become a bigot, or Dan fans worrying that he was going to become an atheist.

They didn’t talk about it with each other either. It didn’t matter to them what others thought. They were just _them_ and that was good enough right now.

 

“I can’t believe I’m about to watch Harry Potter,” Dan said, sitting down on his couch as Phil got the DVD ready.

“I can’t believe you’ve never watched it before.”

“Witchcraft, Philly. That’s what the church always said. Mum didn’t even like the volume to be up when commercials would come on about it.”

“Well, I grew up with it, so if you have any questions, let me know.”

Phil joined Dan on the couch, grabbing the remote so he could adjust the volume and start the movie.

Dan looked over at him, staring at his profile. He was so pale, Dan noticed. Dan thought he was the palest person in the world, but Phil definitely beat him. He had some light freckles, only noticeable because they had spent the previous day walking around a park in London. His lips had sunburned a little bit, causing them to be a brighter pink than usual.

“Phil?” Dan said, getting the attention of an oblivious Phil, who was just about to press play.

“Yeah?”

“Can I hold your hand?”

Phil gave him a gentle smile, placing his hand out in the small space between them. “For future reference, you never have to ask.”

Dan took a deep breath, slowly intertwining their fingers. He was nervous, and he hoped his hand wasn’t sweaty.

He calmed down once Phil gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, then started the movie.

 

By the time the movie had come to an end, any space between Dan and Phil was gone. Phil was pressed up against the armrest, his legs stretched out on Dan’s coffee table. Dan was right beside him, his head resting on Phil’s shoulder. There wasn’t even an inch between them, all the way to their feet. Their hands were still together, now resting on top of Phil’s leg.

They had both been silent the entire movie. Phil wasn’t even sure Dan realized he had moved over so close. Everytime he had looked at Dan’s face, his eyebrows were furrowed in concentration.

“How’d you like it?” Phil asked.

“I have so many questions.”

“Any I can answer?”

“I’m not sure,” Dan replied, snuggling further into Phil’s side, if that was even possible. Phil didn’t mind. “I’m not a fan of spoilers, so I think I’ll wait until we’ve finished the series.”

“You want to watch more then?”

“Of course!” Dan said, lifting his head from Phil’s shoulder to look at him. “Can we watch it tomorrow night?”

“Yes, we can,” Phil replied with a laugh.

“Bring them all over so they’ll be here. Maybe we can order pizza and watch a couple of them.”

“We could make a whole day of it, if you want?”

Dan’s eyes lit up. Instead of responding, he leaned forward and pressed their lips together. Once the surprise wore off, Phil lifted his free hand and put it up to Dan’s cheek, deepening the kiss for a few seconds until Dan pulled away to breathe.

“I guess you like that idea?” Phil asked, smiling slightly.

Dan nodded. “I really do.” He let go of Phil’s hand, gently tugging on his shirt to pull him closer as they kissed again.

 

The next day they watched three more movies. They could have fit in a fourth, but they spent a lot of time kissing too, so it was almost midnight by the time Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was over.

Instead of making Phil take the tube home that late, Dan gave him some blankets and a pillow and he slept on the couch.

The next morning, Phil woke up to the sound of the front door slamming.

He sat up quickly, looking back at the door to see two very blurry figures standing there. He reached over and picked up his glasses, putting them on so he could see who was there.

Those two blurry figures were now a man and a woman, both average height and weight, standing at the door, staring at him.

“Hello,” he said, sitting there, still halfway covered with Dan’s quilt, feeling confused and kind of scared.

“Hello,” the woman replied. The man nodded once.

“Um, I’m sorry, I don’t know who you are.”

“We’re Dan’s parents,” the man- Mr. Howell- responded. “Who are you?”

Phil jumped up, his eyes widening. “I’m Phil, um, Phil Lester.” He walked over to them and reached out his hand for Mr. Howell, and then Mrs. Howell, to shake. “I was just asleep, on the couch,” he said, realizing how stupid that sounded the second it left his mouth.

“Yes, we saw that,” Mrs. Howell said. “Where is Dan?”

“Oh, he’s asl-”

“Mum? Dad?” Dan said, rubbing his eyes as he stumbled out of his room.

“Hello, Daniel,” Mrs. Howell said, smiling as she saw her son. She immediately moved past Phil to go give him a hug.

“Hello,” he said, bending down a bit to return the hug.

As Mr. Howell moved forward to give Dan a pat on the back, Phil quietly walked back to the entertainment center, picking up the Harry Potter DVD’s and slipping them into his backpack.

Once the greetings were over, Dan and the Howell’s moved back out to the living room.

Phil stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to do.

“Mum, Dad, this is my friend, Phil.”

“Yes, he already introduced himself,” Mr. Howell said, staring at Phil suspiciously. “You look familiar.”

“He does YouTube videos,” Mrs. Howell replied. “I remember him from years ago.”

Dan was fairly certain he was going to vomit.

“Yes, well, Dan invited me over for Bible study last night,” Phil said, noticing that Dan was going pale. “He’s been kind enough to answer all of the many questions I have. I asked a few too many last night,” he said with a laugh, “and it was late once I was done, so he was kind enough to let me stay over.”

Mrs. Howell smiled, relaxing somewhat. She reached over and patted Dan’s cheek. “He’s always known the Bible inside and out,” she said. She looked so genuinely proud of her son.

“Yes, well, I better go. Thank you, Dan,” Phil said, reached down and picking up his backpack.

“Oh, um, you’re welcome,” he replied, looking at Phil for the first time that morning.

“It was lovely meeting you both,” Phil lied, giving them a smile and a wave before heading out the door.

 

He was almost out of the apartment complex when he heard footsteps coming up quickly behind him.

He turned around briefly, then stopped when he saw it was Dan.

“Are you guys going somewhere?” Phil asked, looking around him for his parents.

“No, I told them I needed to give you this,” Dan replied, handing over a Bible.

“Oh, um-”

“You can give it back when we see each other next time. I just wanted to apologize.”

“What for?”

“Saying you were my friend.”

Phil smiled. “I am your friend.”

Dan sighed. “I think you’re a bit more than that… don’t you?”

“Well, I _hope_ so, but I am your friend too.”

“So, you’re not upset?”

Phil shook his head. “Of course not. Do whatever you have to do, say whatever you have to say. I’m fine, I promise.”

“I… Thank you,” Dan said, his voice just above a whisper.

“No, thank _you_ for my new reading new material,” he said, lifting up the Bible.

Dan rolled his eyes. “It was the only way I’d be able to come down alone.”

Phil laughed. “I know, I’m just kidding. Let me know when they leave, alright?”

Dan nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

“Bye, Dan.”

“Bye.” Dan watched Phil long after he turned around. Once Phil was out of sight, he stared at the door. The last thing he wanted to do was go back upstairs, but he knew there was nothing else he could do.

With a deep breath, he turned around and headed back to his flat.

 

“Where the hell have you been, Phil?!” Louise exclaimed from Phil’s couch.

Phil gasped, jumping slightly. “Louise?! What are you doing here?”

“I thought you had died, Phil!”

“Why’d you think that?”

“Because I’ve been texting you for almost twenty-four hours with no response.”

Phil reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, walking over to his charger when it wouldn’t turn on.

“Must’ve died,” he said.

“I almost called the police. Where were you?”

Phil rolled his eyes. He put his backpack down then walked over to the couch and sat. “I’ve gone longer than that responding to you, Louise.”

“This is different, Phil. You’re almost always away now. I was beginning to think you didn’t exist anymore. That you’d been taken over by a crazy fan or something. That is, until I saw this,” she said, holding out her phone. It was a photo that someone had taken of him and Dan, walking in a park in London.

“So, you’re really just here to be nosey?”

“Phil, what are you doing? I thought we talked about this. Is this the flat I brought your clothes to a few weeks ago? You’re being so distant, it’s worrisome.”

“You’re being very dramatic, Louise.”

“You’re being very evasive, Phil.”

Phil sighed. “I’m not being distant, I’ve just found a person to bother that isn’t you.”

“But we’ve talked about who he is.”

“No, we’ve talked about who you think he is.”

“Well, who is he, then?”

Phil took a deep breath, trying to not get annoyed. “I’m not going to gossip with you, Louise.”

“Then, don’t. Just tell me you know what you’re doing and I’ll drop the matter.”

He turned more toward her, staring straight into her eyes. “I know what I’m doing.”

She nodded. “Alright.”

 

_‘Starbucks. Now, please.’_

It was ten o’clock at night when Phil got the text from Dan. He hadn’t heard from Dan since he left the flat that morning, so he was a bit confused.

_‘Everything okay?’_

It only took a few seconds for a reply. _‘Just come.’_

Phil got up and put on his shoes. He grabbed his wallet and keys, typing out a reply as he opened his door.

_‘Leaving now.’_

 

When he got to Starbucks, Dan was at their table, drinks already set down in front of him.

“You finally did it,” Phil said, sitting down.

Dan managed a weak smile. “A surprise, spur of the moment text was the only way I’d ever be able to win.”

“That’s cheating,” Phil replied, picking up his cup and taking a sip. He stared at Dan, noticing that his eyes looked red. “Not that I need one, but what is the reason for this spur of the moment Starbucks trip?”

Dan stared down at his cup, tapping at the glass. “My parents left an hour ago.”

“They just stayed for the day?”

Dan nodded.

“Did they do something?” Phil asked.

“They did what they always do,” Dan replied, looking up at Phil. He took his hands off of the table, putting them down on his lap. “We had lunch and dinner together, talked a lot. Mum wants me to start vlogging every day again. She said she thinks that’s better for me.”

“What did you say?”

“I said I might, but that I really enjoyed having the extra time to focus on devotions and the Bible.”

“What about your dad?” Phil asked.

“Oh, my mother re-filled him in on who you were and how she remembered you, which made him go into deep thought mode. I was reminded, multiple times, about why therapy was important for me. I was also reminded about keeping away from bad influences. It was just… it was a long day.”

“It sounds like it.”

“I’m probably being over dramatic,” Dan said, resting his elbows on the table. “It’s not like they hit me or anything. They just did what they always do.”

“I don’t think you’re being over dramatic at all.”

Dan brought his hands up to his eyes, wiping away tears before they could fall. “I don’t… I don’t like the way they make me feel, you know? I always feel so gross and clammy when they leave.” His voice was shaking. He felt like he was about to break down.

Because the Starbucks was nearly empty, and the windows were foggy enough that no one outside could see them, Phil reached across the table, laying his hand out for Dan to take.

Dan stared at it for a second, then dropped his hand into Phil’s.

“You know what I like about you?” Phil asked.

“What?”

“You’re really good at Mario Kart, a lot better than me, but you still get really excited for me when I get second place. Like, you get more excited for me getting in second than you do you getting first.”

“What’s this got to do with anything?” Dan asked, confused.

“I also like how you’re taller than me, because I don’t know many people who are, and I like to be able to look up at you. Even if it’s just a little bit.”

“Phil, I-”

“And I really like how you squeeze my hand every time something exciting happens when we watch Harry Potter. It’s just a tiny squeeze, but that’s how I know something happened that you liked.”

“Okay, I get it, Phil.”

 _“And,”_ Phil continued, ignoring him. “I really, really like when you kiss me,” he said, whispering now. “Not for any one particular reason. I just really like it.”

Dan felt like he could cry now, but for different reasons than earlier. “Are you done?” He asked, his voice breaking.

“I mean, I’ve got plenty more, but I can hold off on them if you’d like.”

“Oh, you’ve got plenty more, do you?”

Phil nodded. “I do. I’ve got a section for outer beauty, which includes subsections such as hair, face, shoulders, back, midsection, legs, and feet-”

“Feet?” Dan questioned, smiling now.

“Your feet look really cute in socks, I can’t help that! Anyway, I’ve also got a section on inner beauty, one on video games, documentaries, movies, YouTube, one on your faith, and one miscellaneous section.”

“Is that it?” Dan joked.

“For now,” Phil replied with a shrug.

“You’re crazy.”

“You like me.”

“I do,” Dan said, somehow feeling so light he thought he might just float away.

Someone new walked into the cafe, causing them to both let go of the other’s hand. They wrapped their hands around their cups to make up for the lack of warmth they were feeling now.

“Would you… Would you stay at my place tonight?” Dan asked, staring down at his drink. “I just don’t… I’m not sure I trust myself to be alone tonight. Sometimes their voices get loud in my head, especially after they’ve just been here.”

“Of course I’ll stay,” Phil replied, not even thinking about it for a second.

“And maybe tomorrow we could go buy me a new lock for my door,” Dan added, looking up at Phil again. “My landlord told me I could put any lock I wanted on the door as long as I gave him a spare key.”

“Yeah, definitely,” Phil said. “But won’t your parents just use whatever key is above your neighbor’s door?”

“They don’t know I do that,” Dan replied. “They made a copy of my key when I moved and that’s what they use to come in.”

“Then we'll get a new lock tomorrow,” Phil said, picking up his cup to take a sip. “First thing.”

 

Three months passed by, and Dan and Phil found themselves sitting on Phil’s couch, picking out a flat.

“This one has three bedrooms, so we could each have one and then have an extra for filming videos and stuff,” Phil said, clicking through the photos.

“Are you sure you’re not weirded out by this?” Dan asked. “Because I’m your boyfriend and usually boyfriends share a room, but I’m just not ready for _that_ yet and I really think it’s important that we still have our own space because we are introverts and we like to be alone sometimes and-”

Phil leaned over, quieting Dan with a kiss. “Will you shut up?” he asked, smiling. “I told you I don’t mind, and I mean it.”

Dan sighed. “Okay. If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure.”

They became quiet again, looking over the floorplan of the flat.

“I think I need to come out,” Dan said, breaking the silence.

“Come out of where?” Phil said, continuing to click through photographs.

Dan pinched Phil’s shoulder.

“Ow!” Phil yelped, glaring over at Dan.

“Out of the closet, you ding dong.”

Phil rubbed his shoulder, making a pouty face. “That really hurt,” he whined.

“You’ll live. Now, come on, what do you think?”

Phil moved the laptop onto the coffee table. “Well, I think it’s totally up to you. I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. I’ve never come out. People assume, and I don’t deny it, but I’ve also never really spoken about it.”

“I know,” Dan replied. “But your videos also haven’t been bashing gays for nearly a decade. I think, if I ever want to fully get away from vlogging, I need to come out.”

“Then do it,” Phil said with a definitive nod.

“Okay, but there’s more to it than that. If I come out, and then we move in together, people are going to figure out that we’re together. Are you alright with that?”

“I don’t really care what they think. I mean, I’m not a big PDA person, really, so I wouldn’t want to make out with you on camera or anything-”

“Thank God,” Dan interrupted.

“But,” Phil continued. “I don’t care if they figure out we’re together.”

“Did you know I like you?” Dan asked, taking one of Phil’s arms and wrapping it around his shoulder.

Phil moved around on the couch so he and Dan could cuddle closer to one another. “I had no idea.”

 

One week after they moved into their new apartment, Dan was setting up his video equipment to make his coming out video. He had never been so nervous in his life. He hadn’t even told his parents that he moved. The only person who knew was Louise, who had learned they were together when she barged into Phil’s flat while they were making out with Snow White- another movie Dan hadn’t been allowed to see- on in the background.

Dan had been surprised by her extremely giddy laughter, wrapping him up in a hug and telling him she was so happy he wasn’t the jerk she thought he was.

She had promised to keep his secret for as long as he needed, which he was grateful for, but he also knew he wouldn’t need her to keep the secret for very long.

No matter how scared he was, he was doing this.

He sat down at his new desk chair in his room and took a deep breath before turning the camera on.

“Hello, Internet!” He began, smiling into the camera. “As you all have probably noticed, my videos have been different for the past few months. I’ve often ended videos without bible verses lately. I still tweet verses out, but they don’t always make it into my videos.”

He cleared his throat. “Um, anyway, my video background is different. I recently moved to a new apartment with Phil, or AmazingPhil, as you know him. This is my room, and his is right behind that wall,” he said, pointing to the wall behind him. “That may be surprising to some of you, but it won’t be to everyone. I know some pictures of us walking around London have made their way online, so…”

Dan took a deep breath. “That’s not the point of this video though. You might be wondering why this video is titled 'Reasons Why Dan's a Fail' and that's what I'm about to tell you. I’ve been struggling with something for years now. It’s something that I realized when I was a young teenager. I am-” Another deep breath, “I am gay.” His eyes widened as he heard the words come out of his mouth. “I am gay,” he repeated. “I don’t think I’ve ever said that out loud. I probably should have practiced in front of a mirror or something before doing it for hundreds of thousands of people.”

He closed his eyes, allowing himself to take a few breaths and calm down. “Like I said, I’ve known since I was a teenager. I was forced to go to therapy for years after my parents realized. I started making YouTube videos so I could stop going to therapy, actually. I started saying all of the things my family and friends would want to hear. I started hating every group of people that my family hated. I started believing the words that were coming out of my mouth. When I would talk negatively about two men or two women being in a relationship, I meant what I was saying. I meant it because that’s all that had been drilled into my head for years. My pastor, my parents, teachers, friends, everyone.”

Dan wiped a tear from his face. “I’m not making excuses for the things I’ve said; it's why Dan's a fail, actually. I know my words have hurt people. I apologize for that. I know some of you will be angry at me, whether it be for the fact I’m gay, or that I’ve hurt you for being who you are and now I’m one of you. While I won’t apologize for being who I am- God knows I’ve done that enough- I do apologize for lying. I apologize for preaching something that I don’t really stand for.”

He let out a sigh. “I’m going to continue making videos. They won’t be vlogs anymore though. I think I prefer sitting behind a desk and telling you whatever weird thing happened in my life recently. I understand if you want to unsubscribe, but if you’d like to stick around, I’d be very happy. Please, remember to be kind to each other and to yourselves. It took me a long time to learn that. I think it’s something I’m still learning, actually. Okay guys, until next time, bye!”

He heard the front door open and close a few seconds after shutting off his camera, so he headed out to the kitchen to see what groceries Phil had bought.

“Hey,” Phil greeted, setting the bags down on the counter.

“Hey, that took longer than I thought it would,” Dan replied, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

“Yeah, I had a few other errands to run.” Phil started looking through all of the bags, but he wasn’t taking anything out of them.

“What are you doing?” Dan asked.

“Looking for somethi- Oh, there they are!” He reached into a bag and pulled out a pile of brochures and papers. “Here you go,” he said, handing it all to Dan.

“What’s this?” Dan asked, straightening out all of the papers.

“They’re LGBT friendly churches in London,” Phil replied, starting to empty the bags of food.

“They- They’re what?” Dan asked, staring at Phil.

“There’s a lot. I looked them up last night. I couldn’t go to them all, but I went to the ones that were closest to here. They were all very nice! Each one gave me a brochure or flyer or something for you to look over. I figure you could try them all out if you want. I’ll even go to some with you. The band was practicing at one of them, and the drummer was amazing!”

“Phil-”

“They have classes at a lot of them too. Where LGBT couples and families can go and talk. They explain the Bible and Christianity as a religion overall.”

“Phil-”

“And I know you’re probably worried, thinking, ‘What if they’re just interpreting things the way they want to and not really the way the Bible intended?’ but, honestly, I think that’s what every denomination is doing. Because different denominations are all still Christians, right? But the interpretations differ still and-”

“Phil!”

Phil stopped taking things out of bags and finally looked over at Dan. “Yeah?” He noticed that tears were thick in Dan’s eyes. He was holding the papers against his chest, and he was just staring at Phil, giving him an expression he couldn’t quite read. “Did I do something wrong?” Phil asked, becoming worried.

“You went to nearly a dozen churches for me today?”

Phil shrugged. “I know you miss going. I can tell. You haven’t been in months, and I know it’s because your church isn’t LGBT friendly, but I know you miss the overall church experience.”

Dan moved forward, dropping the papers onto the counter before placing his hands on either side of Phil’s face, kissing him as deeply and lovingly as he could.

Phil groaned in surprise, then wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist, bringing Dan closer to him.

Kissing him until he had no choice but to move away for air, Dan kept his hands in place, looking into Phil’s eyes. “I love you,” he said, the words coming out easier than he ever thought possible.

Phil smiled, and now his eyes were filling with tears. “I love you too. So much.”

They kissed again and, for a moment, everything was perfect.

 

When Dan finally posted the video two weeks later, he expected some backlash. He expected hate coming from both his fans and people who hated him.

He expected it, and he was prepared for it, but it still made him worry.

He turned off his phone, shut down his laptop, and crawled into Phil’s bed.

That last part was nothing new. Ever since they moved into the new flat, Dan found himself falling asleep in Phil’s room more than his own. It was Phil’s fault, really. Dan always thought he was clingy, but it turns out Phil was the clingy one. He always wanted to cuddle, and once Dan was cuddling he was too comfy to move, and he’d fall asleep with Phil’s head on his chest and his arms wrapped around Phil’s back.

It wasn’t the worst way to fall asleep, if he were being honest.

They hadn’t taken things further than kissing, besides some touching above the belt. But that was only because neither of them liked to sleep with a shirt on, and Dan couldn’t deny that he loved the feeling of Phil’s soft, warm skin pressed against his as they drifted off to sleep.

Tonight was different though.

Tonight, Dan laid his head on Phil’s chest, and Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s back. Tonight, Dan needed to be held and comforted. He was trying not to shake with worry, but he was failing miserably. The only thing keeping him calm enough to fall asleep was the repetitive movements of Phil rubbing his hands up and down Dan’s back.

“It’ll be okay,” Phil whispered to him. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

The next day, Phil had a meeting with his manager. He was only gone for a couple of hours, but he knew something was wrong the second he walked into the flat.

“Dan?” He called out, looking around for him. He walked up a flight of stairs to head toward the bedrooms. “Dan?” He called again.

“In here,” Dan replied quietly.

Phil walked to his room, stopping when he saw Dan curled up on his bed.

“What’s the matter?” Phil asked, walking over to the bed and lying down on his side so they were facing each other.

“I turned my phone on,” Dan replied, pulling his phone out from under the pillow and placing it between him and Phil.

“How bad is it?” Phil asked.

“The people online are what I thought they’d be. Some hate me, others support me. I’m losing and gaining followers at the same time.”

“That’s not too bad,” Phil replied, reaching up and taking Dan’s hand in his.

“My parents left messages on my phone.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“What’d they say?” Phil asked, his blood pressure already rising.

“Mum was crying. She was blaming herself, saying she didn’t try hard enough to fix me. Dad was just angry. Yelling, telling me I was selfish, going to hell, blah, blah, blah.”

“Dan, I’m so sorry,” Phil replied, leaning over to give him a kiss on his forehead.

Dan closed his eyes, taking a few slow breaths. “I tried calling them back, just to try and explain, but they won’t answer.”

“Maybe they will later.”

“Yeah, maybe. I really just don’t want to think about it anymore.”

They laid there in silence for a minute before Phil let go of Dan’s hand and got up.

“Where are you going?” Dan asked.

“I’ll be right back. Stay there.”

Dan sighed, closing his eyes again, thinking maybe sleep would help him feel better.

He was just starting to doze off when the bed dipped beside him. Too lazy to open his eyes, he reached out an arm to pull Phil close.

That’s when he felt something wet on his nose, and an sharp, familiar scent.

He opened his eyes quickly backing away from whatever was happening. “What are you doing?” He asked, staring down at the Sharpie in Phil’s hand.

“I’m giving you a cat nose.”

“Why?”

“To go with the whiskers I’m about to draw.”

“Again, why?”

“I used to do it to myself when I was younger and it always made me feel better.” He reached over and continued to draw a nose and whiskers on Dan’s face. Dan, in his half-asleep, confused state, let him.

“What are we supposed to do once it’s on?”

Phil shrugged. “We’ll do a video or something, I don’t know. Now do me,” he replied sitting up and handing the marker to Dan.

“Every day with you gets a little weirder, Phil,” Dan said, pushing himself up so he could reach Phil's face.

“I like to keep you guessing,” Phil replied, smiling as Dan began to draw on him.

 

“This is ridiculous!”

“Come on, just do it!”

“You’re going to make me fall!” Dan laughed, scrunching his eyes up tight as Phil stood behind him.

“I will not! I’ll catch you with my manly man-arms!”

“Phil, you’re weaker than a cooked spaghetti noodle!”

“Hey! That’s no way to talk to the person who holds your entire life in their hands.”

Dan groaned, laughing at the same time. “Why are we doing this again?!”

“Because that was one of the Twitter questions that _you_ read off.”

“I thought I’d be the one catching!”

“You thought wrong, Howell, now fall!”

“No!”

“It’s the last thing we have to do!” Phil said, laughing. “Now fall!”

“Ah!” Dan squealed, falling back into Phil’s arms. His eyes widened when he realized he had been caught. “Oh my gosh! You caught me! I didn’t die!”

“I told you I would!”

They sat back down on the bed, still laughing. “Alright, guys, so that’s it for the questions! We need to go get this Sharpie off of our faces before we die of Sharpie… poisoning?”

“Sharpie poisoning? Really, Phil?”

“Hey, it’s happened! Look it up.”

Dan rolled his eyes, shaking his head at Phil. “You’re such a dork.”

“I know! Did you have fun though?” Phil asked.

Dan smiled brightly, all his worries from earlier currently faded from his mind. “I think this was the most fun I’ve ever had.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and commenting! I look forward to every comment. So many of you put so much thought into the things you write to me, and it honestly means the world!
> 
> Fun fact: I wasn't allowed to watch Harry Potter, Pokemon, or Snow White when I was young because of "witchcraft". I have only seen each HP movie one time, and I honestly have no idea what happens in it...
> 
> One more chapter to go!
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	8. Amen

_“That I may be reasonably happy in this life_

_and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.”_

 

**Two Years Later**

 

“Oh, Phil?!” Dan called out sweetly.

Phil knew that voice well. “What did I do?” He asked, walking into the living room.

Dan cocked his head to the side, holding up four mismatched socks. “Why am I finding these everywhere?”

“Uh, we must have… mice?”

“Mice, really? I was thinking we had a lazy, six foot two, man-child, but I guess mice is the reasonable answer.”

"Why don’t I just take these,” Phil replied, going up to Dan and grabbing the socks, “And put them in the laundry? Far away from the mice.”

“Good idea,” Dan said. “And while you’re doing that, you can tell the mice that if they keep leaving your socks all around the house, I’m going to toss them out the window in the middle of the night.”

Phil nodded, backing away from Dan to head to the laundry room. “I’ll let them know.”

 

It had been an interesting two years, with a few downs, but a lot of ups.

Dan’s YouTube channel started growing once his videos changed. He now had over two million followers, and the numbers were rising each day.

After a year, they were able to move out of their first apartment and into a slightly larger one. They started a gaming channel after that, mostly so Phil could introduce Dan to new games, but also because everyone seemed to love when they’d make videos together.

They never directly spoke about their relationship, preferring to keep their personal life private. That was important to them both. They both were fairly well known, public figures, with millions of subscribers, so it was nice to have something that was just theirs- even if everyone and their brother suspected they were together.

They shared a room full-time now. Phil filmed in the guest bedroom and Dan filmed in their office. It was just another step in allowing them a bit more privacy.

Dan had found a new church that he absolutely loved, and Phil went along sometimes as well. He went to therapy at the church once a month, just to talk about his issues from childhood.

He started going after a particularly bad day. It was eight months after he had come out, and he hadn’t heard from his parents since.

Then, he went to go get the mail. And, when he did, there was a thick letter with his mum’s handwriting on the envelope.

Phil was over at Louise’s, filming a video, so Dan sat on the couch and shakily opened the letter.

It was page after page of his mum telling him how sick he was. Page after page of Bible verses. A section was written out by his old pastor, and he could hear the man as if he were in his office during one of their therapy sessions.

There was a few pages written by his dad as well. Those pages were spent attacking Phil more than him. Telling Dan that Phil was sent by Satan. Telling Dan he was weak, but it wasn’t his fault, because not everyone could stand strong against the evil powers working in this world.

Dan wasn’t sure why he read the entire thing, but once he started, he couldn’t stop.

 

_“Honey, I’m home!” Phil called out jokingly, unzipping his jacket and putting it on the coatrack by the door._

_When there was no answer, Phil headed upstairs. “Dan, you here?”_

_Still no answer._

_He looked around until he heard the sounds of the shower running in their bathroom._

_He found that to be particularly odd, as Dan never showered in the middle of the day._

_He knocked on the bathroom door, then slowly opened it when Dan didn’t answer._

_Dan was under the shower, vigorously scrubbing at his skin. His chest and stomach were bright red, and his arms were getting there._

_“Dan,” Phil said, knowing that Dan knew he was in the room. Dan didn’t respond._

_Phil opened the shower door, turning the water off. It was so hot in the room, the extreme temperature of the water causing steam to build around them._

_“Dan,” Phil repeated softly, stepping into the shower and putting his hand over Dan’s, stopping him from scrubbing anymore._

_Dan’s bottom lip began to tremble, and the next thing he knew he was being wrapped into Phil’s arms. His wet skin was soaking into Phil’s clothes, but neither of them cared. He pressed his face into Phil’s neck, his body shaking as he cried._

_“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Phil soothed, running one hand through Dan’s hair. “It’s okay. Can you tell me what happened?”_

_“Th- They sent a… a letter,” Dan replied through sharp breaths._

_Phil didn’t need to ask who “they” were._

_Phil held him for a while, just letting him cry until he was able to calm down. When they finally broke apart, Phil stepped out of the shower and got Dan a towel. “Just pat dry,” he said, opening their medicine cabinet and getting out a small container of petroleum jelly._

_He watched Dan dry off, making sure he wasn’t rubbing at the raw skin. “Come sit,” he said, motioning to the toilet._

_Dan wrapped the towel around his waist, then sat down. Phil opened the container, and carefully began to apply the jelly to Dan’s raw skin._

_“This has to hurt you, Dan,” he said, trying to be as gentle as possible._

_“I don’t really feel it when I do it,” Dan replied, staring down at his arm._

_“But after?”_

_Dan nodded. “It hurts.”_

 

They talked about it that night, Dan going to therapy. He was the one to bring it up, and Phil was all for it. It helped make things a lot easier. Yes, he still had moments where his past would overwhelm him and he’d scrub at his skin a bit too hard, but Phil was always there to hold him and take care of him.

 

To Dan, Phil was his hero. He couldn’t help the way his heart still raced when he’d look at him. He couldn’t help but feel like he was blessed beyond what he deserved every time Phil would hold him tight.

Phil was always quick to remind Dan that he wasn’t the one who fixed him. Dan did that himself. He came to accept himself on his own. Yes, it might've taken longer if they hadn’t ran into each other that day, but Phil had no doubt that Dan would have come to the same conclusion on his own eventually.

 

Dan hadn’t heard from his parents since that letter, although his grandma did reach out to him and asked if they could still have a relationship.

Dan accepted immediately.

Dan also gained an entire family with Phil. When Phil’s parents would come to visit, Dan would join them on their outings. And, when Phil would go visit them, Dan would find himself tagging along more often than not.

He had never been hugged so much in his life.

Mr. And Mrs. Lester were easy to get along with. They had a sense of humor just like their son. They were cheesy, but the kind you never got tired of. The kind where they knew how ridiculous they were, and they all loved it.

He looked forward to more Christmases at the Lesters, filled with joke gifts, constant baking, board game and movie nights, and laughing until his sides hurt.

 

Another new addition to Dan’s life was weekly live shows. It was something he watched Phil do and he thought it would be a great way to connect with his audience better.

Sometimes, he and Phil would do the shows together, but tonight he was doing it alone.

Usually, the questions he answered were simple. People would ask what his week was like, or when he was uploading next.

But every once in awhile, someone would ask a deep question that Dan couldn’t ignore.

“WolfHowell- great name- says, ‘I’m gay and a Christian and I struggle to find peace with that sometimes. What helps you?’ Well, therapy helps a lot, not gonna lie. I go to an LGBT friendly church, and they have a therapist there who talks with me each week. Phil helps too. He doesn’t like when I say that; he thinks I give him too much credit, but he’s not here right now so I’ll say what I want!” Dan laughed, looking over some of the responses to his comment before continuing.

“There’s actually another thing that helps too. Hang on, let me go get it.”

Dan got up, leaving everyone watching to stare at the couch and bookshelf behind it. He came back a minute later holding a box.

“This is something Phil got me for my birthday last year. It’s a memory box, and I put pictures and little souvenirs from our trips that we take. It sits on my dresser, and we only open it to add something to it or when I have one of my bad nights.”

He stared down at the box for a moment. “Sometimes, I get anxiety or I start to panic, and Phil will go get the box and we’ll look through it together. By the time we’re done looking at everything, I usually forget what I was nervous about.”

He lifted up the box so everyone watching could see it better. “There’s a little prayer on the top of the box too. It’s called The Serenity Prayer. I had heard it growing up, but it never really stuck with me. Now, it’s what I repeat to myself when I’m going through a tough time and it helps to calm me down. That was a really thoughtful gift though, so thanks, Phil!”

He went to put the box down, then began seeing that everyone was asking for the same thing.

“‘What’s the prayer?’ asks basically everybody,” Dan said with a laugh. Even though he knew it by heart, he looked down at the box to read it:

 

_“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,_

_The courage to change the things I can,_

_And the wisdom to know the difference._

_Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time;_

_Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;_

_Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;_

_Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will;_

_That I may be reasonably happy in this life_

_and supremely happy with Him forever in the next._

_Amen.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sad!! I'm going to miss this story. I was thinking about writing some oneshots to go along with it, maybe like Dan meeting the Lester's for the first time, or Phil going to church with Dan. Would you guys be interested? They wouldn't be additions onto this story, but added separately. Let me know!
> 
> Thank you all so much for the wonderful comments. I have received so many that have made me cry. I'm so glad I was able to write this story! 
> 
> tumblr: softgolftechniques (come visit me!)


End file.
